Let's make this clear: there is no such thing as an adult. At least not one dictated by age. Some fifty year old men who wear business suits every day are children on the inside. That's why sometimes you look at people and think, "you're an adult. Why are you acting like this?" That's because they're not an adult. There are only like a hundred true adults on Earth at any given moment because that kind of maturity is hard to grow. These people could have used some adult supervision before they made these life choices, but there must not have been any around.
1. This Isn't Working Out
It's hard enough when your way out of being a fat slob is buying a Bowflex. That means that you're too self conscious to go to the gym. Don't say you don't have enough time to go to the gym, because that's what fat slobs say. You have plenty of time, but if you get a gym membership then you actually have to go to the gym. If you buy a bowflex you can just have it sit in your garage and everyone will just assume you work out. Gym hacks.
It's added insult to injury when your Bowflex forces you to put a hole in your roof. At least that gives you some dedication. There's no way you'll let your Bowflex go to waste if you had to put a big hole in your roof just to get it into your home. If they would have put the Bowflex outside then you'd know they are never going to use it. There goes two thousand dollars.
2. All Signs Lead to... ?
Let me save you four hours and a brain aneurysm. Don't try to understand this. You'll come close enough to keep trying, but it will never make sense. You can try to follow the colored words, follow the grey words, alternate between them. Nothing works to make this make sense.. Human beings don't like that. It makes our brains fry. Reading this over and over again is basically like doing psychedelic drugs. Sure, it's not quite like it, but it's as close to doing drugs that a sign can be like.
I'll tell you one thing though. This sign is effective. If the sign's intent is to get people to go to the website, it's working. Since the sign doesn't give you any coherent information, you have no choice but to visit the sight. Genius!
3. The New Uggs
Women have it tough when it comes to shoes. Everyone knows high heels are incredibly uncomfortable, yet we give women crap for taking them off during an event. I can't imagine spending four hours dancing at a wedding in heels. I'd be wearing pieces of wedding cake on my feet by that point. People say that you can just bring a pair of flats with you, but in what? It's not like purses and clutches are huge, and why would you want dirty shoes rolling around with your lipstick and condoms?
This girl knew her feet hurt, and also knew that the city streets were no place for bare feet. At McDonalds, you can have it your way (or is it that Burger King)? Her way was a few extra bags to use as shoes.
4. Put That Cake on Ice
Making a cake isn't easy. I'm just talking about making the cake without any decorating. You think it's easy, since all the instructions are on the box, but then it ends up coming out dry or just plain awful. It's a science. I once heard a friend say, "I love baking because you just do whatever." This same person also thought that baby eagles broke their beaks off to regrow new ones. The point is, baking is tough, and you probably suck at it even though everyone tells you that your cake is fantastic.
The next hard step is decorating. Obviously this one isn't very easy. Even doing the writing in the icing is difficult. Now, compare that to trying to make your cake look like the face of a beautiful cartoon character. That's a sure way to set yourself up for failure.
5. You Nasty
Sneakerheads spend a lot of money on shoes. I mean, I spend a lot of money on videogames and marijuana, but we're talking about shoes that are four hundred dollars at minimum. At that cost, you can't even wear those shoes. They're too special. Not that I can totally talk crap. I have some video games I've never played. It's about the collecting, so on that level, I can understand it. Still, I don't regularly line up for hours to spend hundreds of dollars on video games. If this is your life, you do you.
The problem is that you end up spending so much money on shoes that you can't afford any more bowls. I don't care how fresh your shoes are, you don't eat cereal out of them. Maybe a hate, but not a shoe.
6. Car Sick
I'm glad I don't live somewhere with freezing temperatures. The idea of spending forty minutes to warm up my car, and then having to wash my windows every morning so that they aren't covered in ice is not an appealing thing to me. You also have to think about snow tired and the general idea of spinning out in the snow. The worst car thing I have to deal with is the fact that I have to park half a mile away from my apartment since I don't have a parking spot.
Something about the cold did not agree with this car because it puked and then the puke froze. I can't even imagine how cold it must be to stop running water. That's how you know nature isn't messing around. Nature will take the life right from you.
7. I Hope You Like Melty Pizza
I'm not one hundred percent sure what happened here. I think that's a plastic cutting board that they tried to cook the pizza on. Whatever it is, you're not supposed to expose it to four hundred degree heat. I'm just surprised nothing truly horrible happened. I guess there is the loss of the pizza. That's pretty horrible. You'd know that if you ever lost pizza, but someone must have had some slices already (somehow) because that is not a full pizza.
I wouldn't know where to start cleaning this. Hopefully it just pops off the oven, but they might have to turn the oven on again to turn the cutting board back into goo. Next step is to use a squeegee to scrape it all off. Suffice it to say, this is not a situation you want to be in.
8. Gucci Gang
I know what it feels like when you buy something Gucci and need to show it off. That's the reason why broke people buy Gucci: so people know that they bought Gucci. I recently bought a Gucci headband that says GUCCI across it. I felt like that was the best item to buy since it's the most obviously Gucci thing you could buy. Unfortunately my Fila shoes and Target shit give away that I'm not really balling. All the Gucci headband tells everyone is that I'm bad with money.
I don't know about this guy's plan though. If my Target shirt and Fila shoes are giving me away as a broke dude, your shirt with a big hole in it is giving you away as a homeless person who murdered a rich person and stole their Gucci belt.
9. Infinity Gauntlet
This dude is looking like Thanos with the Infinity Gauntlet. Don't snap your fingers, dude. I don't want to be one of the people who disappears into dust. I don't want anyone I know to disappear either. Actually, if Thanos could promise that no one I know would disappear, I'd be totally down with him snapping his fingers and obliterating half of the galaxy. Sorry, everyone, but that's just how it is. I have to take care of my own.
I don't know where this guy got all this jewelry, but I'm going to guess theft. That's just because there's no reason to have dozens of watches. Six is good. At most. Anymore than that and you're either wasting money or you're really good at pickpocketing. "What did the guy look like?" / "He had a Thanos glove and he was wearing tighty whiteys."
10. Don't Get Hurled
It's best not to create any bad juju when you're about to do an extreme sport. That goes for either saying that something bad is going to happen or saying something bad isn't going to happen. Bad luck finds humor in serving you up with some pain no matter which ones you say. Either way, everyone will tell you that you shouldn't have jinxed it. This girl totally jinxed it by using the wrong phrase: hurled. Bad luck saw that she posted that on Snapchat and thought, "let's so who gets hurled here..."
As someone who has suffered a horrible crash from acting stupid out in nature, I can guarantee that this girl probably deserved it. No one taking it easy hurts themselves this bad. It's when you start thinking you're slick doing X-games tricks.
11. She Really Hates the Crust
Pizza is a food that people will get in fights over. Just put two people in a room, one who thinks that pineapple is a good topping, and one that doesn't think that fruit belongs on a pizza at all. They'll end up tearing each other apart... over food! It's not just what toppings are on the pizza. There are arguments over dough thickness and what sauce you use too. One major argument though, comes from how you eat pizza. Do you fold it up New York style, or do you use a fork and knife like a psycho?
Pizza was made to be eaten with your hands, like a taco. When you eat it with a fork and knife you're not connecting with the food. Plus it's much easier to avoid the crust when you're eating it with your hands. Take a few bites then fling that crust in the air.
12. Barber Supreme
"OK, son. You're old enough to go and choose your haircut." / "Thanks, Dad. I won't let you down." Then the kid came home with this. On the level of craftsmanship, this is a great job. On the level of actually wearing this out, nah. When that dye fades it's going to start to look weird. Not to mention when it starts to grow out, but that's just generally the problem with haircuts, right? You get one you like and a week later it's all messed up because your body had to go and keep growing.
If I had to get one emoji on my head I'd get the prayer hands. No one can really get upset with prayer hands. Prayer hands is the kindest emoji. If you talk crap on those hands, you'll catch hands from God himself.
13. Get It, Karen!
Middle aged women love their wine. It's a necessity when you're dealing with kids, especially teenagers. My mom isn't a big drinker, but she was when me and my sister were younger. She needed it to get through the day. Alcohol might be bad for your physical health, but sometimes it's the only thing that can help your mental health. It's like a nice little reset button on the day.
I've heard some rumors about Target starting to sell alcohol so people could drink as they walk around the store. I don't know how to phrase this, but... thank you, God. That sounds like my absolute dream. That totally kills all the guilt that comes with shopping. Just get so smashed that you don't care that you just spent three hundred dollars on crap you don't need.
14. Sex Ed
Meet Ed. Sex Ed. He's here to give you sexual education. He's a huge fan of using protection, even though he looks like a guy who always raw dogs it. As much as good sexual health is a great thing, it feels odd to champion condoms in this way. It's trashy, even though it shouldn't be. I can't quite put my finger on why because I'm at odds with the fact that more young people should learn about wearing condoms. Like me, I always wear a condom, no matter what. Whether I'm having sex, going to the grocery store, or swimming.
For a guy who loves condoms, he chose the brand known for not feeling like you're wearing one. Interesting choice, though I guess we don't buy condoms for how they feel. Don't let that "her pleasure" bull crap fool you. That's for no one's pleasure.
15. Knee Muffins
It looks like she has muffins coming out of her knees, doesn't it? She's such a woman that her knees are trying to bust out. You can't contain all of her in one pair of jeans. No, sir. She's just too extra for that. I fear for when she takes these jeans off. What's going to come flying out? Those jeans might be the only thing separating us from her devastating thighs.
I've seen some people with cut off jeans who are so ill fitted in them that they're just building out of all the holes. I can't talk since I have a muffin top (a real muffin top. Not the muffin tops that come sprouting out of your knees). I just keep going up in jean sizes instead of trying to fight it. Might as well just give up and switch to sweatpants.
16. The Cutting Board Technique
Earlier with the pizza, we posited that the person used a cutting board to cook the pizza. Now we have verified proof in form of a text picture. Now some of you may think that this is ridiculous, and you're right, it is. But you might be thinking it's ridiculous that there are people out there who would be dumb enough to do this. Trust me, there are. I've even lived with them. I have to watch my roommate every time she cooks because I know she'll end up doing something crazy. It's to save both of our lives, and our deposits life.
You know this person was high as hell trying to bake a toaster strudel and some fries. This is not the diet of a sober person. Let's make that clear. If you're a parent and your teenager comes home cooking this, check their eyes.
17. With Wings
I've already told you about how I'm basically a yeti without fur. I smell and sweat. My feet are no exception, so I take precaution with different powders and specialized soles. You do what you have to do. That's why I can respect the ingenuity here. What's more absorbent than a pad? Nothing. If there was something more absorbent, women would be using that. You think Brawny has the best soaking ability? Try using a pad on your wet counters the next time you're cleaning. I bet you won't even have to open up a second pad to do the whole kitchen. I know it seems gross, but I'm not talking about used pads, obviously.
Guys are already embarrassed to buy pads for their girlfriends and daughters. Can you imagine how bold this guy is when he buys pads? He has no excuse to fall back on. Not a good excuse, at least. If I were him and someone asked me why I was buying them, I'd say, "Guess."
18. The Future is Here
Before we go clowning this robot for looking that way, let's all face the fact that if someone ripped our faces off, this is exactly how we'd look too. We wouldn't be able to keep our composure as well as this robot either. That being said... yuck. Put a face on the thing. You're creeping us out. Artificial intelligence is already creepy. Once you give the robots monstrous faces it gets even worse. Imagine you come out to get a glass of water in the middle of the night and that thing is standing in the living room charging itself. That'd get you every time.
Every robot I've ever seen has been talked about in terms of how it could be used as a sex robot. That's what happens when you put a bunch of nerds in charge of building the robots. "Let's make them all attractive females." / "Why?" / "Shut up and stop asking questions."
19. Pick Up a New Pick Up Line
Dating apps are a great place for men to try out new pick up lines, and for women to have a place to read countless bad pick up lines. This guy at least tried to say something. Most guys would just opt for sending a dick pic. I can understand the desire for brevity - you're going to ultimately like the person for their junk anyway - but at least start with a nice cheesy pick up lines.
Most pick up line will be bad, but a general idea is to avoid referencing death. That doesn't get women in the mood. Most women are already worrying about whether the guy they are dating is going to kill them. Don't give her an extra reason to be worried. I'll let you use my pick up line. It works every time. "Hello, this is famous actor Ryan Gosling. For real. What's up?"
20. Good Timing, Poor Circulation
I don't even know how that band is holding up to all that pressure. Let's contact the maker of that watch band and tell them what a great job they're doing. They put all the other watchmakers to shame. Do you want further proof that this is a great watchband? The dude obviously needs to replace it but he refuses. Why would you put yourself through such torment? It must be because that watch is worth it.
I love my watch, but I'm just in between band sizes, so it's either super tight or a little too loose. I'm trying to gain weight, but none of the weight is going to my wrist. As hard as I try, my body won't let me choose where the weight goes. All of it goes to my neck so that it looks like I have a big inner-tube around my neck.
21. Brow Game on Fleek
Remember when everyone was saying "on fleek," especially about eyebrows? That was a fun time. Then everyone started saying "on fleek" about everything until it lost all meaning. Now it probably means the opposite. That's how sayings go. They lose meaning until they mean the opposite, then they mean both, and then they are gone forever. If "on fleek" now means bad, then this girl's eyebrows are on fleek.
Less is more, or KISS: keep it simple stupid. If doing your eyebrows takes the same skill that it took to paint the Sistine Chapel, then you've messed up somewhere. Some people may have to do more if they're dealing with a unibrow situation, but generally do less. Make up is about enhancing your own natural beauty, not about looking like you took a nap on top of a paint palette.
22. Lunch and Dessert
I never considered abusing my power at Subway, but now I am starting to consider it. Ultimately they do have to make the sandwich that you want. "Ring me up for a cup of soup, but pour the soup on the sandwich like it's a sauce. Yeah... just like that. *starts to rub nipples.*" Maybe that crossed the line into abusing too much of my power as a customer, but you get the idea.
Another reason not to go off menu is that you might make something gross. You know the sandwiches on the menu are going to be good. Just copy those. Once you start going your own way, you end up doing crazy things like putting cookies in your sandwich. I'm not against eating six cookies before or after your sandwich, but not IN.
23. I Love Pizza Too, But...
We get it. You really love pizza. We all really love pizza. I love it so much that I've cried over it before. I dropped a whole pie once and it sent me into a tailspin. I love pizza so much that I can totally understand locking it up so no one else can get it. My plan would be a little different though. One, I wouldn't put the lock through the pizza. That's nasty and it harms the pizza. Two, I would leave it in the box. Those are two musts.
But none of this brings up the real question we all have: if you cared about the pizza so much, why'd you leave it on the ground? This is what happens when you get drunk people who are just a little too smart for their own good. They end up concocting really smart dumb ideas. You shouldn't be able to describe something as a smart dumb idea, but this is what one looks like, folks.
24. Meet the Master of Thieves
If you're going to steal, you might as well go for a big payout. Getting the cops called on you for a stick of gum sucks because it's a huge waste of everyone's time. Even if you do get away with it, all you have is a stick of gum. What good does that do you? Now if you steal a guitar and get caught, at least the whole thing might have been worth it. Everyone will cheer you for your boldness.
The hard part about trying to steal a guitar is that guitars are really big. This guy chose pretty much the only way to do it, but I wonder how long it took. The security probably patiently watched as he struggled to shove it down his pants. Or maybe he kept accidentally playing chords and that's what got him caught.
25. "I never got my package."
This is just asking for someone to come steal those packages. It's one thing when you have to scramble for boxes, but when everything is in a neat little bag like that, why wouldn't you just grab it and run? Common decency? Well some of us don't have that! Unfortunately this mailman most likely didn't have any other options. Send all complaints to Amazon, not the post office.
Luckily I don't have the problem of people stealing my packages. It's far too inconvenient for anyone to get to my front door, plus I hire armed guards to stay at the door at all times. Everyone says it's a waste of money, but they're forced to talk to me while they're working, so it's kind of like having bodyguards and friends. You can't beat that deal. It's a two for one special.
26. Cheerio to you, good sir!
I've heard of beer goggles, which is just when you've drank so much beer that you don't know what's what anymore, but I've never heard of cereal goggles. It's pretty obvious why. Cereal goggles are a useless thing. At least beer goggles is a metaphor for a useful thing. Sometimes it's good not to see things as they really are. It lets you make bad decisions that later become good stories.
I wouldn't be shocked if we later saw this become a fashion trend. "Ladies, when you use milk and Cheerios on a face mask, it is so good for the pores around your eyes." All of a sudden you'll see fancy little kits with masks, Cheerios, and milk at Target selling for $25 each. I'm fine with it as long as it actually makes my skin better.
27. JAM IT!
Just because something fits in a toaster, doesn't mean it belongs there. I can fit plenty of things in the toaster, and I have to tell myself this every day. "Don't put that in there, Julio. You know what happened last time." I have to admit, cassette tapes are pretty tempting. I wonder if you would hear music as they melted- actually, let me stop that line of thought right now. One second you're wondering that and the next second the fire department is at your apartment.
Cassettes are coming back in a big way. I was just at a record and cassette store. Let me remind you, it's 2018 and this place was selling brand new cassettes and records. At first I wasn't sure if I had gone back in time. I only know one thing for certain. That store won't be there in a month.
28. Ice Coolant
This definitely looks awesome, but I'm not one hundred percent clear on whether corrosive liquid should be in cooling pipes. I'd stick to water with some food coloring in it. There's nothing better than fancying up water with some food coloring. Don't like boring old clear water? Try some blue water. Want to feel festive on St. Patrick's Day? Try a couple drops of green in your beer. That sounds like a recipe for one wild night.
I would certainly hope that this guy knew what he was doing when he put that Listerine in that machine. I don't even really know what it is, that's how expensive it must be. It has computer parts to it, but my computer doesn't look nearly as fancy as that. That's the type of computer that holds Ronald Reagan's soul until we can figure out how to successfully put it into a human body.
29. The Ultimate Cooking Machine
"So, the box says that you can cook it for forty minutes in the toaster oven, or five minutes in the microwave. How about we do both and that should only take negative thirty five minutes." That's stoner logic for you. Maybe one day we'll have appliances smart enough to know what not to cook. For example, if you put a fork and a piece of steak in the microwave, it would only target the steak. Eventually the machines would turn on us and target us, but it'll be worth it for a while.
If your apartment doesn't have enough space for both a microwave and a toaster oven, you've got to make a choice. Don't do this. I'd suggest a microwave. The toaster oven makes far superior food, but the microwave oven is a versatile player.
30. The Solution to Sagging
Sagging isn't going anywhere, no matter how many old people complain about it. It's no different than when old people back in their day would complain about them doing the bop and the mashed potato all over town. These are just the things that the youth does. As much as people love to sag their pants, no one likes seeing underwear-butts, so this guy has found the perfect solution. Skinny jeans on the inside, loose jeans on the outside. That could be a hook to a song.
Ultimately I don't understand sagging on a functioning level. Have you ever seen someone running from the cops in sagging pants? 90% of them would have gotten away if they were wearing track pants. They've got their keys and wallet falling out of their pants as the fabric flops around. It's a bad plan!
31. Infallible Logic
Wrong numbers are already too much of a hassle to deal with. No matter what the other person never seems to understand that they are the ones that messed up. Usually you don't even get an apology. Then they just call back ten seconds later and you have to go through the whole situation again. "Just stop dialing the number you are dialing. It will never be right."
This person definitely did not understand what was going on. What do they mean "what is the right number?" as if this poor soul has any idea what's going on in their life and who they should be calling. It's not anyone's responsible to deal with random slow people. If you're a random slow person and I have to deal with you, you're going to get cussed out.
32. Animal Abuse
People are already out there in the streets breaking car windows because they see a dog inside the car. Do you really think people are going to put up with this kind of behavior? You're going to get pulled over quick, and not even by a cop. You'll get pulled over by a single mother named Debra who has ten cats at home already. She'll snatch that cat and bring it to a "good home."
That might be a dog, but let's go with cat. People are meaner to cats than they are to dogs. In fact, there are way more people who hate on cats than there are dogs. I don't think as many people would go out of their way to save a cat on a car roof than they would a dog. Those are just the sad facts for cats.
33. Gotta Get Those Trees Home
Not everyone owns a big truck to haul whatever they want all the time. Some of us need to get resourceful, just like this person. What? Are people with tiny cars supposed to be deprived of getting eighteen foot tall plants? That's the attitude some people would have, but not this guy. His yard is going to be beautiful with two brand new trees as long as he doesn't hit any other trees on his way home.
I used to work in the garden section of Home Depot and those were the best times. I would see people buy plants and then not know exactly how to get them home. "How are you going to get your avocado tree home?" / "I don't know.. I didn't think about it. I walked here." Then you'd have people try to walk home with an avocado tree in their hands.
34. An Art Installation
We are to believe that this person unwittingly rode their bike into wet concrete, kept riding it for about ten feet, realized they were in concrete, and then just ditched the bike. I feel like if you've done it once, you might as well yank the bike out and try it again to see if you can go further. You already messed up the concrete. You might as well mess it up even more. Let's call it job creation. If you screw up public works, the city has to hire more people to fix what you screwed up.
Now this just looks like some kind of weird art installation. People can sit on a bench nearby and argue over the true meaning of the piece. Is it trying to symbolize how difficult it is to move ahead in this world?
35. Artisanal Ice Cubes
I've seen a lot of advancements in ice cubes in my day. A lot of people still aren't over the fact that you can get ice cubes in the shape of the Death Star from Star Wars. Heck, I'm one of those people. That'll entertain me for the next ten years. The next level is making infused ice cubes, like with strawberry or lemon in them. What I never considered was to infuse the ice cubes with Chef Boyardee Spaghettios. I guess that's because it's freaking disgusting. The only reason you would want that is to cool down your Spaghettios.
I wonder if you can taste this right from the first sip. Watered down anything sucks, but especially Spaghettios. I'd love to serve this to someone with a straight face and see what they do. If they said they didn't want it I'd act offended.
36. Kids Aren't Picky Eaters
I always thought kids were picky eaters, but I guess not. Kids will eat anything that's in front of them, especially if their best friend, the family dog, is eating it too. Although it looks like this kid is hogging all the good kibbles and bits. Either that or the dog is smart enough to know that this a good thing. He's peeking around the corner like he is trying to stay say, "is something going on over here? I didn't even realize. Crazy..."
When I was a kid I had drawn all over the walls with crayons and when my parents caught me, I blamed the dog. I said that he put the crayons in his mouth and started to draw on the wall. Nobody believed it except for me. I needed to believe the lie to pull it off.
As far as physics go, this is a solid plan. There's no way that ladder is going to topple over as long as everybody keeps their weight on the ladder. The unfortunate thing is that most people are foolish and end up doing stupid things like forgetting that they need to be standing on the ladder. I'd be the guy who gets a phone call and steps away to take it. The next thing I know my two buddies are four stories below me, wishing I was dead.
I'm not good with heights or focus, so never volunteer me for this type of job. I'm so bad with heights that I don't even like to sit on stools. They're a little too tall for me, know what I mean? My fear of heights is my greatest weakness, which is what makes it my greatest superpower... i just don't know how yet.
38. Good to Know
We've all met the type of person who says things like, "I don't really like to label things." The person who did this is the exact opposite. Maybe those two people would be a match made in heaven. The problem I see here is the person's need to label things that don't require labels. Labeling poison darts versus regular darts seems like an important task. When you're labeling cats that just seems like a waste of time. Label it with the cat's name instead.
I have two cats and I'd have three if it wouldn't put me in the category of full blown weirdo. I've already got enough going against me. Owning three cats would be a bit much, especially if I want my third cat to be a hairless one. I'd be like Dr. Evil except broke.
It's every you young boy's dream to own the Batmobile one day. That's before you realize how the car industry works. Honda isn't making any Batmobiles so if you want one you have to spend four million dollars. That is unless you get a bunch of craft supplies and make your own Batmobile. For about thirty dollars worth of supplies, you could have a Batmobile... sort of. It'll end up looking like this guy's Batmobile, but that's better than nothing.
I love people who put fake performance parts on their cars, like fake vents. A fake vent doesn't do anything except slow down your car. It's the exact opposite of a real vent would do. You can't even say, "at least it looks cool," because it doesn't. It looks like you super glued a bunch of plastic on your car.
40. These Guys Have Balls
If you're a youngster reading this and you don't like how or where you live, just know that one day you'll grow up and you'll be able to make your home any way that you want it. That includes turning your living room into a ball pit like the ones from Chuck E Cheese. No one can stop you from making that decision, even though they should. Those balls are noisy and greasy as hell. When is the last time you were actually in a ball pit? It was probably before your memories fully formed.
I went to Chuck E Cheese as an adult just to see how it stacked up. Want to guess? It didn't stack up. The pizza cost twenty dollars for a small and it sucks. It's three dollar frozen pizza quality. Don't get me started on the games. Half of them are broken, and the other half I'm no good at. That's not the game's fault, but still.
41. "Can I Paint You?"
I don't trust anyone to draw anything on me. There are very few instances where the person has good intentions while drawing on you. Usually they're looking for an excuse to draw a penis. You're generally safe when you're at a fair and there's one of those people who does face painting, but even then I've walked away with a penis on my face after I asked for a worm.
When someone is doing a part you can't see, like your back, you have to watch out. They're going to get you. If you hear giggling at any point, abort. It's a trap. Consider never getting a back tattoo without a mirror setup so you can see everything. The last thing you want is to sit on a table for four hours and then reveal that you have a permanent penis on your back.
42. Devil Girl
An important part of bonding between a parent and their daughter is being able to do their hair. This is where the two of them can talk and the daughter can't run away since you're already grabbing her by the hair. It's a great place to have the birds and the bees talk, or any other uncomfortable conversation. One thing you can do to create a bond is to make a special hairstyle that you two share. Just make sure that the hairstyle isn't devil related.
I'm not offended by the devil or the occult, but I'd certainly rather not have it around. Even on the top of a little girl's head. I like to keep a long arm's length distance from devil symbols. You never know when some creature is going to cross into our world and find a nice home inside of you.
43. Chill Bill
On a hot day, this sounds like a good idea. It'll get so hot in Los Angeles during the Summer that I'll spend most of the day near the refrigerator. There's no other way to survive. This guy gets that. That's a perfect Summer nap. If you get thirsty you just have to reach up and you're already set. The only thing I worry about is getting locked in there and dying. That's an idiotic way to die. I've been afraid of it ever since I saw it happen on a children's show. It was supposed to be a learning episode, and I guess it did teach me something.
Speaking of big refrigerators. My friend used to work at Jamba Juice and he'd invite me over during working hours to smoke weed in the refrigerator.
44. Feline Footwear
This is truly cruel, and for that reason it's also very awesome. I've never considered doing this, but now I might have to buy a pair with dinosaur footprints. That'll really mess with people. When you usually make fake footprints you get pretty bored with doing it, so the footprints don't last too long. That's how everyone knows they're fake. If you walked around all day in those footprints, everyone would definitely believe it. It sounds like this person's neighbor definitely believed it.
There's something troubles about this photo. It makes me really doubt the existence of bigfoot. If the footprints are fake, then everything is fake. It's not like we'd find out the footprints weren't real and then think, "I guess he must have been stepping somewhere else that we never saw."
45. Hi Daddy
This is just wrong. You cannot just leave your kid with some random employee. I know it can feel like Uber or Lyft drivers are your friends, but they are not. In fact, they are very close to being criminals. The only reason anyone drives for those companies is because they've screwed up every other opportunity in their lives. I'm speaking from experience people, so don't get all upset with me. There's no way things are going right for you if you're driving for Lyft or Uber.
That kid is truly terrified. I hope this guy made the kid feel better. It's not like it's his professional responsibility, and obviously the mom doesn't really care about his well being, but still. He could be the kid's new dad for real. He doesn't need to have a relationship with the mom. He can just be in the son's life. That could be special.
47. The Food Has a Soul
This reminds me of the movie 'Sausage Party' with Seth Rogen. In that movie all the different foods have personalities, dreams, and souls. Not a lot of people liked that movie. It was a little disturbing, I guess (and not funny). If this was your fridge then you'd have to live in the real life 'Sausage Party.' Are you going to feel good about scooping the brains out of a living mayonnaise? Then it feels heartbreaking when you have to toss them out. Stop playing God!
Given that a bucket of googly eyes is only about two bucks, this is kind of worth doing. If you're heartless and don't mind eating something while it looks like you, this is pretty fun. I might go put a pair of eyeballs on the jar of mustard I've had in my fridge since '07.
48. Which Came First? Chicken or the Egg?
Who knew that ordering a bunch of eggs would end up looking like something you'd order off of AdamAndEve.com. I can understand why you'd want to ship them like this. They end up saving a lot of space when put into a phallic position, but the one major drawback is that they look phallic. I bet the husband was very confused at first. You'd think ordering one big "massager" would be enough, but how in need of pleasure are you when you order several? Good thing we don't have to answer that question since these aren't actually "massagers."
I don't know about you, but I think colored eggs should come in egg cartons like regular eggs. That's way more fun, even if it is a total waste of space and materials. Sometimes the most fun things are a huge waste of space and materials.
49. I Have that Same Problem
As I get older, hygiene becomes more of an issue, especially after doing physical activity. Ten minutes into my karate class and I'm completely soaked with sweat and smell like a yeti. I don't know when that shift happened though. Maybe I always had that problem and just never noticed. That makes me feel bad for everyone who shared the locker room with me.
I'm not saying this girl has odor issues and that's why this was going on, but honey, if you did, that's fine. I don't want this to be a roast session on a young girl going through feminine issues. Mainly I don't want to roast because she's basically me. I just don't have any friends willing to help spray my bottom area with air freshener. That's the only difference between us.
50. Lunch Time for Snake
I don't like snakes anyway, so I don't think I'll ever own one, but the main reason I don't own one is because I also have cats. The last thing I want to wake up to is one of my pets eating the other. Especially my cats. My cats are adorable. Snakes aren't adorable. They're snakes. People who think snakes are cute have a mental disorder. People who leave their daughter chilling with a boa constrictor also have a mental disorder. Yes, I am calling you out. Get your daughter away from that snake, fool.
These are wild animals people. I know that snake might look slow, but it's not going to be slow when it wants to kill something. Don't think you could save that little girl either. A snake is like one giant bicep. That's an arm wrestling match that you're going to lose.