Not every idea is a good idea. You've probably experienced that first hand if you've ever been in a work meeting. Everyone has something to say, but 99% of it is asinine. Now imagine all those people and their dumb brains were designers. You'd get a bunch of designs like these. Some of them don't make sense. Some of them are scary. And some of them are offensive. Strap in and get ready for some gift ideas for your worst enemy. #48 is totally the biggest fail of all time!
1. Udderly Amazing
My sister had a huge cow phase for about five years where she had a collection of cow figures, cow prints, cow stuffed toys. It made it really easy to shop for her. Even she wouldn't wear a purse like this though. It goes just a little too far, doesn't it? Maybe cow print isn't your style, but is cow udder anyone's style? I hope they don't mass produce these things. Let's keep it to custom orders. Just don't hold your breath, cow-purse maker.
Too many things can go wrong while wearing a purse like this. You're going to have guys grabbing at your udders as a joke, or asking you if they can show you theirs. How do I know this? Because it's exactly what I'd do. Who knows, maybe we'll see Miranda Kerr wearing this one day and suddenly it'll be a hit.
2. TP Stands for Totally Pearly
We've all used toilet paper that felt like we were wiping with this before, haven't we? It's usually at a gas station or school. Even worse if they have the toilet paper that falls apart before it even touches anything. We all know what happens after that, but let's not go into detail. I've seen some toilet papers get crazy with designs and ridges, but nothing like this. This is complete form over function.
I can understand a toilet paper like this in the guest bathroom that no one ever uses. That's the bathroom where you put the decorative soaps that cost $15 per one ounce bar. I had friends with guest bathrooms like that. God forbid you ever used them. We wouldn't want the bathroom to actually function as a bathroom, would we?
3. If Ripped Jeans are Cool, this is REALLY Cool
I've always avoided ripped jeans. Mostly because of the open sores all over my legs. I have owned some pairs though and let the world deal with the visibility of my sores. The thing is that by the tenth wear, the jeans start to look exactly like the design this woman is wearing. Once your foot tugs the hole once, it's all over. The holes will just get bigger and bigger.
This looks like the jeans equivalent of pizza dough. Like someone just kept tossing them until they spread too far. I appreciate super ripped jeans on a girl. It's nice getting a little leg without going full shorts, but there comes a point where they're just ripped too much. It starts to look like you tried to jump a barbed wire fence and got caught.
4. Isn't it Ironic. Don't You Think?
If I've ever owned an ashtray I usually end up losing them after trying to hide them when my parents come over. That's why I always opt for the white trash ashtray: a can of soda. First you get the treat of drinking a soda, then you get the treat of smoking. It's perfect for gluttons like me. I do love me a good novelty ashtray though. Ones that say "kiss my ash" or other mildly clever things.
The irony on this novelty ashtray is beautiful. This is the type of ashtray that you want to put in restaurant patios to confuse people. "Um, is it ok to use the ashtrays?" / "Have you consulted with the ashtray yet?" / "It has a no smoking sign." / "Well, there's your answer." I might have to pick one of these up. I wouldn't have to hide it from my parents after all.
5. What Shoes?
At what point are you walking on the pebbles before you realize that your feet have disappeared? Most of the times I've walked on a beach of pebbles it's been because I had taken mushrooms. This would not be a good thing for me to experience in that situation. My brain wouldn't be able to put it together. I'd also be confused why I was wearing women's flats.
As much as the typical camo pattern is standard green, grey, black, this seems to work much better. Regular camo literally only works in one type of place. They need to give the army suits that look like giant trees, with branches and everything. Even in the desert you'd be so happy to see a tree that you wouldn't question that it was the enemy. I'm a genius.
6. A Good Head on Her Shoulders
First and foremost, I want to say that I love this. I would rock this because I often wear quirky little accessories. The problem is that when women wear this, it's fun and cute - a little weird, but mostly fun and cute. If a guy wears this it looks like he likes to hunt and kill women. There's something off putting about a man with a doll head on his neck. Or a grown man who even owns a severed doll head.
I wonder if the girl's face looks like the doll. That's where this could get really cool. You'd wear a tiny version of your own face on your neck. People wouldn't know where to look when they were talking to you. You could always use the line, "my eyes are up here," or, "my eyes are down here."
7. Head Case
This is just disturbing. The matching skin tone and beard makes it looks gross like a large, weird head. People with abnormally large heads are inherently creepy. Sorry, big heads, but it's true. Some of us have big heads. Some of us have genital herpes. We're all dealing with our own stuff. Get over it.
Something about a helmet like this makes it seem like a crash would be extra gruesome. You'd see a motorcyclist crash without a helmet (or so you think). You'd run over to him and see that a huge chunk is missing out of his skull. Upon further inspection you'd see that it's just his helmet. Then you'd remove the helmet and find out that there actually was a huge chunk missing out of his skull as well. You can't escape fate.
8. She's Not Shia Bout It
You may remember this screenshot from Shia Labeouf's random inspirational video where he screamed "just do it!" over and over. I think this was around the first or second time he lost his mind. I'm not sure. They are all starting to blur together at this point. He made some good points in the video, but some people may have missed those points through all the screaming and spittle.
This girl totally got the point. She went out and made her dreams happen. I wonder how many times you can wear that dress before people are sick of it. It's one thing if you have a little yellow number you always wear, but this dress is so in your face. It's screaming for you to look at it and talk about it. Come on, you know you want to. JUST DO IT.
9. Teeth's Best Friend
If you think about it, there are tons of fun combinations for toothpaste dispensers. Most of the ones I can think of would only be sold at adult stores and wouldn't be welcome inside a Christian household. You could have a lightsaber holder that unleashes a droopy, minty lightsaber, or practically anything's butt. Nothing says minty fresh like white paste coming out of a booty!
Considering all the other options, this one is pretty cute and tame. No one likes to see a doggo barf, but cartoon doggos are a different story. Cartoon doggos can explode, or be bested by Bugs Bunny. Imagine if this was a very realistic looking dog. That might be a bit more disturbing. When it comes to puking animals, the more cartoony the better. I learned that in art school.
10. Hold Up All My Calls
I bet this is one of the more divisive designs. Some people will see this and go out and buy it immediately, others will see it and go on a Twitter rant about gun control. Both sides may have a point. There are some states where this would be an absolute hit, and others where you'd get shot in the back by a police officer. That all depends on the open-carry gun laws.
In terms of design, I like that it has a built in handle-grip. You know how they make those cell phone cases that are also wallets? They should make cell phone cases that are also guns. "Can I put you on hold? I need to make sure the safety is on. (beat) It wasn't. Phew. Glad I checked. Oops. Can you hold again. There's an active shooter here and I'm going to stop him."
11. All You Can Wipe
I think we all know how this happened. The janitor was way too lazy to keep going back to the bathroom and restocking toilet paper, so instead he just put in so many toilet dispensers he'd only have to go back once a month. It's actually pretty genius, and as a toilet user I appreciate it. The only problem is that the further dispensers can be a little tricky to reach if you've made a mess and can't stand.
Is there anything worse than going into a stall and realizing they don't have any toilet paper? Even if you catch it before you go, it's kind of bad because you have to change your game plan. If you're in the middle or end of it though, that's when your heart starts racing. All you can do is wait for a kind soul to come and save you.
12. Nice to Meat You
I can see a father staring down at his daughter wearing these, looking extremely disappointed. "And these cost you money?" Then he'd shake his head and retreat to the den where his only friend waited for him - a bottle of whiskey. These are so silly that I actually love them. Whatever the original point of ripped jeans was, this is not it. That light breeze you thought you were going to feel on your knees? Nope. Your knees got meated.
I'm glad the knees are beautiful looking cuts of meat. Imagine if it was ground beef. Ground beef is just disturbing to look at. Especially against human skin. After all, we are just ground beef inside. Nothing more than tissue, bone, and fear, like animals. Who knew jeans would force me to confront my own mortality?
13. Throw Them Down the Drain
I've never gotten a girl a piece of jewelry that she actually liked. That's on me. I wasn't choosing the right stuff. They were still appreciative every time though. I don't think I would have even got a shred of appreciation had I ever given a girlfriend earrings like this. I'm not sure what occasion these would be appropriate for. The end of a long bout with constipation maybe?
I'm definitely a silly, fun guy who will sometimes wear wacky things, but you can't wear these in public. No one can wear these in public. It'll never be cute, fun, or quirky. This is just nasty. If you own these, keep them in a box and show your friends for a laugh every once in a while. If you're worried you might be tempted to wear these, unpierce your ears.
14. No Thank You x1,000,000
I don't know why dentists think it's cute to have teeth or mouth shaped chairs, or other accessories in their office. Giant teeth are not cute. They are creepy and remind me of my teeth. I hate my teeth. I don't want to sit on a reminder of my teeth. This is especially true when I'm at my most vulnerable: on the toilet. Don't give me any reason to be scared or tense while I'm on my throne, please.
Maybe it's more a guy thing since we have hanging parts, but this is very creepy. I feel like it's going to bite something and take it from me. Beyond the looks... what part of that is supposed to be comfortable? I'd have to sit on it in wide legged stance just to avoid getting teeth marks on my thighs.
15. Mirror Mirror On the Ceiling
Bathrooms should be sacred places, but if you've ever been in a busy public restroom you know it feels anything but sacred. You feel rushed, and if you're using the stall you always fear that you'll make eye contact with someone through the crack in the door. This ceiling mirror takes those worries to a whole new level. Everyone has to keep their head down and stay chill, but unfortunately if it's your first time in the restroom you're going to instinctively look up. You just can't help it.
If I used the toilet here I'd be constantly looking up at it with a big grin on my face. Might as well own it, right? When in doubt, act like a total creep. That's my rule of thumb. It usually works out for me too.
The women have found a secret weapon. The function of this secret weapon is to stop all future men from staring at their butts when they work out. That weapon is Steve Buscemi yoga pants. You think any man is going to stare at a booty covered in Buscemi? I wouldn't. Whether or not these were created for that purpose, they work perfectly for it. Then when she wants to have her booty looked at she can wear her yoga pants that have booties all over them. That's also a genius idea.
Have you ever noticed that Steve Buscemi has the same eyes as Angelina Jolie? Go look at two younger pictures of them and you'll see it. I think there's even a meme out there for it. Beware though. Once you see it you can't unsee it.
There's a lot of good ideas in this design. For one, parents need a hands free way to carry their child. Secondly, having the baby covered gives them the swaddling effect that naturally calms them. Those two things together should make the perfect baby carrier. Unfortunately the baby needs a hole to breath out of which creates this Aliens movie chestburster effect. Your baby better be cute if you're going to wear this thing. If you've got an ugly baby people might actually think you're being ripped apart from the inside by it.
Can you imagine a baby so ugly that people actually think that? How ugly would it have to be? It's in the eyebrows, I think. Most ugly babies are ugly in the eyebrows mostly. Search ugly babies and you'll see what I mean.
18. Scared My Clothes Off
How dare they make this. This is too terrifying to exist. The messed up thing about this shower curtain is that it would scare me EVERY TIME. Even if I already knew it was there, it would still be scary to walk into. I'd actually avoid going to the bathroom. It seems silly to be scared of something that you know isn't real, but that's just an unpleasant image. It's why we don't hang up pictures of alien abductions on our walls. Those aren't nice things to see.
Imagine if someone saw their significant other showering with this curtain and thought they were cheating with an alien. I mean, let's be real. The position that alien is in could look like something else if the person showering is positioned right. I smell a sitcom storyline!
19. I Can See Your Flower
Flower print dresses are absolutely gorgeous, but if those flowers are in the wrong places they can become nightmares. Think about flowers right on the nipples, or in this case, on the butt, making it look like you just had that time of the month. Either that or you sat on a bunch of knives. I'd be the guy who runs up to her to tell her there's been a horrible accident, only to realize my mistake. Now that's a nice meet cute.
It's on the very back of the dress too, so there's no way she'll ever know until it's too late. If this is a lesson for anything, it's to always check your backside before you leave the house. You never know what could be back there. People won't say anything either. They'll just let you walk around like a fool.
20. Level 100 Lumberjack
He was so concerned with wondering whether or not he could, he never stopped to think whether or not he should. Now he's unleashed a monstrosity on the world. It's just like 'Jurassic Park.' Luckily this is a custom piece, because if it was sold in stores (most likely Walmart) I'd have to burn them all. To be fair, the idea could work, but not like this. The white boys need to be stopped with this one.
I'm sure his mom had to stitch this for him. Poor woman. As she pieced this monstrosity together she entertained the thought of putting just a little bit of rat poison in his breakfast over time. The traces would be so low that a test could never find it. He'd get sick over time, eventually succumbing to the poison. She'd finally be free... too dark?
21. This is a Stretch
Let's be clear. If this is the setup then I'm going straight from the toilet to the shower. There's no reason for me to have to get up and walk for the toilet paper if it's going to interfere with my sitting time. Hell, at that point why even wipe? You were already able to stand up without any issues. Go on live your day without wiping. See what the world brings you. Actually, just talking about that makes me physically uncomfortable.
I love staying in hotels because I don't care how wet I get the bathroom or the carpet. It's like the ultimate freedom. I'll just leave the shower running for forty minutes just to get the room steamy. Who cares? It's not like it's my water. You gotta live it up when you're in a hotel room.
22. Don't Bite
Some guys already get bladder shy if someone else is in the bathroom at the same time. I can't imagine a urinal like this makes it any easier for them. They could always use the stall, but if this is what the urinal looks like, I fear what the stall might be. In general how many people want to pee in a mouth? Even the people who like that sort of thing like to keep it in the privacy of their own homes, or their own Russian hotel rooms. I'm not talking about anyone specific there.
It's such a unique sight that you want to take a picture of it, but then you're just the creep taking pictures in the restroom. It's not exactly a good time for a selfie either. Don't take a dick pic anywhere near this urinal as well. Or any urinal for that matter.
23. The Ultimate Hipster Keyboard
The main complaint I hear about modern keyboards is that they aren't like the old typewriter keyboards. You know, heavy, clunky, hard-to-press. Oh, wait, no one complains about that. There have been literally thousands of designs that are better than a typewriter keys. Heck, even a crusty old Windows 97 era keyboard is better than a typewriter. These hipsters need to be stopped.
You know there are so many people who own this. If I saw a dude writing with this in a Starbucks I'd bash his skull in with it. Sorry, but this is polite society. You can't just come into a coffee shop with your ten-pound keyboard to work on your screenplay teeming with toxic masculinity. I'm so hard on hipsters, but I'm just describing myself down to a T, including the toxic masculinity screenplay.
24. If Heels Could Kill
There's money in guns. Just ask Paul Ryan (sorry, Paul Ryan fans, but he just got burnt). As much as there is a big part of the population that isn't too keen on guns, there's a huge part of the population that loves them. These would be a hit in the gun world. Every girl at the Nascar races would be wearing these. Then it would get to a point where the guns got bigger and bigger. Soon women would have full on AR-15 heels.
This is maybe more of a question for cartoon writers, but if those guns were real and they fired, would she fly up in the air? Please feel free to take your time to do the proper research before you answer me, and also please understand that I won't take "it wouldn't work" as an answer.
25. Riding Horsebike
If you're anything like me, you're constantly trying to escape your reality through video games, movies, and dress up. That means that if someone told you that you can make your bike look like you're riding a magical horse, you'd sign right up. This is an attachment that you can snap on your bike to make it look just like that. I bet it looks awesome at night. Night time is the best time to ride, especially if you don't value your life.
As cool as this is, there's one big problem. When you crash, which you inevitably will, that's a whole lot of extra metal to chew up your body. You don't want the chatter at your funeral to be, "if only he didn't ride that stupid horse bike then he'd still be alive."
26. Something is Fishy About this Sink
There's no good place to put an aquarium, especially if you live in Los Angeles like me. For one, you have to worry about the earthquakes. One day there'll be a quake so big that the whole aquarium just shatters into a million pieces and all that fish and water gets everywhere. Then you have to worry about the fact that you don't have a place to live right now, Julio, and that you're technically homeless and writing this from a library.
This fish tank sink is cool when it's clean, but we've all seen aquariums get dirty, or a fish have a trail of poo behind it. Is that really what you want to look at when you're washing your hands? Or if you find one of them dead in there. Not a good way to wash your face.
27. Brilliant Idea!
This must be what it looks like when two people get the same idea at the same time. The two lightbulbs merge and become one extra strong idea that one of the people steals and makes a lot of money off of while the other lives in squalor. Isn't that the American dream? Owning a home and getting rich off of an idea that someone else could have just as easily gotten rich off of.
I wonder if this can screw in on both ends. If not then I worry about the question, "how many idiots does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Any amount of idiots would take a long time to screw this in. It's like a USB drive. You've got a 50/50 chance but you somehow mess up 100% of the time.
28. Call Child Services
I get it. Parents are extremely busy. They've got a million things going on. My heart goes out to you, but if I ever see your baby in this I will call child protective services. There's no amount of lazy that you need to be that your baby needs to crawl around your dirty floor and get covered in dirty-floor material. If your floor is so dirty that it needs the help of your baby to mop it, maybe you need to clean it before your baby even gets down there.
Cut to ten years later when I have a litter of eight babies crawling around my kitchen cleaning up my spilled pizza sauce and copious amounts of tears. Why tears? I have eight children and am obviously a single father. What woman would stay with me?
29. Cut it Out
In what world are you cutting bread in the same place where birds are freely flying around. Like, is this supposed to go outside, or inside? Let's talk about outside. I guess I just walk my bread outside to the bird feeder and start cutting my bread, all while hungry birds are pecking at me. Or the other option, I go inside where birds already live and have taken over. I'm no longer the master of my own domain. The house is theirs now. My wife is theirs now. My children are theirs now. The birds are in control.
So which one is it? And sure, there are some flakey breads, but it's never been such a problem that I thought, "wow, we're really wasting so much of these bread crumbs. This could feed a lot of birds. Maybe a whole one and a half birds per week.
30. Soccer? I Hardly Know Her
You know how there are so many design in the world where you can look at it and say, "a man designed that." This one is the opposite. I look at this and say, "a woman designed that." You see, men generally don't like anything that has a target right by their genitals. It's something we actively avoid, whether we're aware of it or not. It's like it was built in our genes the same way a baby bird in the Sahara knows not to walk too close to the waters lest it wants to be an alligator's meal.
To be fair, two women would have no problem playing on these chairs simply because they'd know how to do it properly. If two guys sat in those it would only be one or two kicks before they were firing rockets at each other's faces, trying to hurt each other.
31. Look Ma, No Legs
You know, back in my day, a bike without pedals was called broken. Yes, you COULD push the bike with your legs but that's horrible. Not just because it hurts the crotch either. This design fixes the crotch problem, but what about the fact that the gears on the pedals make it way easier to move the bike than pushing it with your leg? Here's a little tip, inventors. If there's been an invention that's been fine for hundreds of years, you don't take away from it. Next it'll be a bike with no handlebars and only one wheel. Oh, wait. That does exist.
I wonder if there's a hierarchy of cyclists. This guy would obviously be at the lowest rung of it. Where do recumbent cyclists land though? Those are the bicycles that people have to lean back to ride. I bet they think they are the best.
32. Cloudy with a Chance of Bullets
"Looks like it might rain. Better bring my umbrella and scare the crap out of a couple of people." This reminds me of a rejected James Bond concept. "You see, James, they'll think it's just raining, but then you pull this umbrella out and shoot them." / "But won't they obviously see the gun? You didn't' even hide it. Shouldn't the gun be hidden in the top?" / "You don't have to be a dick about it, James." Raise your hand if you want me to write the next James Bond movie!
I make fun of this, but it's not different than the samurai sword umbrella that I love. I'm sure you've seen that one. The handle looks like a samurai sword, which are way cooler than guns. The world could use a couple less guns and a couple more samurai swords.
33. The Pen is Mightier than the Soup
This is the type of idea that sounds good when you first hear it, then it falls apart upon further questioning. Here's how it goes: "You know how you sometimes don't have utensils when you're at work, but you always have pens? What if the pen caps were the utensils?" / "Wow, that sounds really useful. Wait a minute, where do you keep the caps? Wouldn't they get dirty? And I lose pens all the time. What if I lose them? How many of these do I have to buy? Who are you? Why are you in my house?"
As you can see, this is theoretically good, but not in actuality. Just keep fresh utensils in your desk like I used to. And by fresh I mean that I never washed them and they got me sick repeatedly.
34. Flipping Out Over These
Please tell me the situation where you'd need both heels and flippers. If you need both of those at the same time, you've made a terrible choice. You're either in the wrong kind of place, or you're an idiot. You see, generally the places where you'd need flippers also have sand. Heels don't do well in sand. Flippers in general aren't a great shoe for walking. If anything we should be trying to make flippers easier to walk in, not more difficult.
These are like crocs for special occasions. If you ever go to the Redneck Awards you'll see tons of women sporting these, and wearing clothes from world class designers like Louis Futon. That's a wonderful pun off of Louis Vuitton. You can direct all fan mail to the underpass by the 101 and 110 freeways.
35. For the Birds
Here's a little piece of advice for you bird owners. Maybe if you can't walk outside with your bird without it flying away and never seeing you again, that means that the bird isn't actually your pet. It's your prisoner. I don't get it. Who needs to walk their bird? I would understand if a friend had to leave for ten minutes to fly their bird, but if they said they had to walk it I'd lock the door behind them. They aren't allowed in my house anymore.
I'm not against birds in general. I'm just against walking them. My grandma has a bird for fifteen years. She would always chew the buttons off remotes (the bird, not my grandma). I was always jealous because I couldn't get close enough to the remote to bite the buttons off like she could.
36. Dog Fleshlight
I don't know how to feel. I'm on the fence with this. One one hand, if dogs have sexual urges, they should be able to act them out in a safe place. On the other hand, ew, gross, no, no, no. Yucky. This is a dog sex toy. It means you look at your dog as a sexual creature. GROSS! Understand that if you own that thing you have to clean it at some point. That thing is going to have overflow if you're not careful.
If you're going to make something nice for a dog, actually make it nice. Look at that hole. That's not a hole for lovemaking. That looks like a hole you'd use the inflate a basketball. Not that I know what feels good for a dog, but I can't imagine that it's that.
37. Seasickness Anywhere!
I'm not sure the designer of this bed knows how beds work or why we find them enjoyable. When I'm in bed I don't like to feel like i'm on a cruise ship that's forty minutes away from capsizing due to an ungodly storm. This is more like a piece of Pilates equipment than a bed.
There are some points in my life where I'd rather take this bed than what I had. For years I slept on a futon that had a long trench in the middle of the mattress so it could fold more easily. My back still clicks from that. Before the futon I slept on an air mattress that would go flat after eight hours, so I'd have to wake up in the middle of the night and blow it back up. Guess how many times I got laid in those two beds? Even 0 is too high a number.
38. An Elephant Will Never Forget This
This is a bad way to teach a kid about animal anatomy. If you've ever seen the Jim Carrey movie 'Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls' you're probably reminded of the infamous rhino scene. Jim Carrey is playing spy in a big rhino suit, but when its gets too hot he needs to flee. There's only one way out, the butt. He climbs out of that rhino like he's getting birthed. It happens a lot slower than this slide would last.
The thing is that there's no way around this. You could flip the slide around and have the kids come out of the trunk, but then they'd be climbing right into his butt. Something tells me the slide would get a lot les use if that were the case. Except for that one weird kid who really likes to climb in. There's always a little weird kid who likes to do stuff like that.
39. I've Seen This Before
You can't really control how marble is going to look, can you? It's not like a tye dye shirt where you have some idea of what you're going to get. If the marble comes out looking like shit, literally, then it's just going to look like shit. You still have to sell it though. Who lets good marble go to waste? Not me. I'd lose my marbles! That's a dumb joke, but think about it, do you even really deserve a good joke?
I can definitely tell you that I've seen a white marble bathroom that looked like this before. It was at a party, and a girl was the culprit. I don't know what happened, because she never gave anyone a clear story, but she went in and it was clean. She left and it looked like a version of that. Ten days later we were married.
40. Highly Uncomfortable
I'm not even completely comfortable talking about, or even looking at this image. You have to wonder if this is a cruel joke or just an innocent mistake. Actually, there's nothing innocent about this mistake. There's not a single person or thing who could sit on this to make it look normal. It's a total check-mate.
I miss these kinds of rides. Sure, they are still around but do you think anyone likes it when I get on them? I get all kinds of weird looks. What sucks is now I have enough money to ride them all day. I used to have to beg for quarters. Writing one of these articles could get me a whole days worth of rides. Maybe I should just scour Ebay and get my own. Yeah, that's what a thirty one year old man should do.
41. I Call This Work of Art, "Permanence."
At this point you could readily assume that there is a Disney version of every single product on Earth. Hats, pens, shoes, sex toys. You name it. Soon you'll be able to genetically alter your baby so that it's technically a Disney product. It'll be born with real Mickey ears and a lifetime pass to all the parks. This is the future that liberals want. You've been warned.
There are some downsides to wanting to brand everything with the Mickey stamp. Here's a prime example. Just because it can be Mickey's face, doesn't mean it should be. You have to snap the thing just to erase it. Is this some sort of harsh lesson to kids. Sometimes things look like they can be taken back, but they can't. Wow, that's deep, Mickey. Who hurt you?
42. Close Encounters of the Urine Kind
One thing that men don't normally do that women do is go to the bathroom in pairs. First off, the men's bathroom is a horrible place anyway. I don't want to spend any excess amount of time there, whether it's with friends or otherwise. Even the cleanest men's bathroom is a horribly disgusting place. I've been in enough women's restroom to know that they are much better. How do I know this? I'll never tell. My body, my choice.
The two guys using these stalls at the same time must be so comfortable in their sexuality. Still, is there any reason you have to be THAT close? It's just wrong. I wouldn't share it with a guy just because I'd end up catching his slashback or something. I have a hard enough time dodging my own splashback.
43. Death Slide
If I sent my kid down this slide I'd have to hug him goodbye like I was going to see him again. There's a good chance his body would be violently split in half as he went down. I know that this is kind of cool because one slide turns into three, but whoever invented this didn't think about anyone's crotch. Then again, why should they have to be thinking about anyone's crotch? That's kind of weird, right?
When I was a kid there were these three slides at Fair Oaks park. You had to climb a ladder three stories high to get to the top. It was all hot steel. Then you chose a straight slide, wavy slide, or bumpy slide. I don't know what they were thinking. It was insanely dangerous. Still, I'd take that slide over this one.
44. Beware of Flame Thrower
This graphic designer phoned it in for this one. I guess he didn't want to pay for the cloudy graphic he'd need to make it actually look like a fire extinguisher. "I'll just throw fire in there. That looks like a fire extinguisher." No, bro. It looks like a flame thrower. That's totally bad ass, but maybe it's not exactly what someone needs when they want to extinguish fires.
That would be awesome if every building had a little glass case with a flamethrower in it the way they do with fire extinguishers. I'm not saying it's the most useful item, but how many times a year does a fire extinguisher get used? I bet you've never even used your fire extinguisher. In fact, no one wants to use a fire extinguisher. That means there's a fire. Fires suck!
45. Cool It on the Drinks
You have to watch out with what you make your products look like these days. Kids are eating tide pods and those don't even look like food. I don't know what's going on, but let's be safer than sorry. For example, a bottle of cleaner should be in a bottle that looks scary, not in a bottle with packaging with a happy bee drinking flower juice. This radiator coolant can looks like the next big energy drink.
To be honest, I bet it shares the same ingredients as most energy drinks. Those things can be vicious. If it has to have a warning label on it, maybe don't drink it. What's weird is that the serving size on most of those energy drink is two, but the can warns you against drinking more than one serving.
We've talked about bladder shyness a few slides before, which comes from someone watching you while you pee. It just makes you shut down for some reason. That's not a good thing. If you don't pee then you get a UTI. Trust me. I know. That's why this product is horrible. I'd never be able to pee with those peering eyes looking at me. Judging me. I will not be judged by a guy who hangs out in the basin of a toilet. I didn't go to college just so a guy like that could judge me.
At least it's not creepy like the alien shower curtain. There's a lot of other, horrible ways a toilet graphic can go. For example, poo stains. We've already seen how that looks on innocent marble. Poo on a toilet is just too real.
47. Hair Chair
What is this piece of furniture called? The Donald Trump? It does have a striking resemblance. I bet he keeps one of these next to his bed in case he ever needs to borrow some hair. It's a great chair, but an even better hair replacement. I wonder if it comes in different shades.
I have two cats, which means I can't own this chair. Firstly, I'd be going through way too many lint rollers. Between the cat hair and the long strands of chair hair, I'd be screwed. Secondly, the cats would destroy this within minutes. Heck, I think I'd end up destroying it. I'd be eating a peanut butter sandwich and spill. Everyone knows you can't get peanut butter out of hair. What am I supposed to do, take the chair in the shower with me?
48. The Key to a Thinner You
While this is very inappropriate given the situation of being on live TV trying to look normal, this looks better than the special effects I've seen on some sci-fi movies. Seriously, this is the key to a Slender Man movie. Quite honestly, I think if this dress was designed with the intent of being slimming against black by making parts of you disappear, I think it could work. Give it a little bit more of a realistic shape and I'd call this a hit.
I wonder if she knew this was going to happen. Her designer got an angry phone call. Did the same person who designed this also design the skeleton halloween costume? You know the one where in the dark you look exactly like a skeleton? I want to see the inverse of this dress, where it looks like the inside of you has disappeared.
49. Something Smells Fishy
This is just unfair. Feet already get a bad wrap for being smelly. OK, so maybe they generally deserve it. Many people don't know how to take care of their feet. That's just the truth. Especially men, who seem to be OK with having gargoyle feet out in public. For the love of god do not wear sandals like these in public though. You're just making everyone feel like they're smelling something that probably isn't even there.
I hate situations where you have to share shoes, like at the bowling alley. I don't care how much spray you use on those shoes. You can feel the dirt on them. How does a fun game turn into an immediate bout with athlete's foot? We pay for this? If anything they should be paying me to wear their smelly shoes.
50. Water You Doing
It's hard enough for me to remember to water the plants as it is. Don't make it any harder for me by making me do it with a monstrosity like this. You might as well just flip the thing upside down and dump it all on top of the plant. I gotta say though, it is more compact. That I do appreciate about it. As you can see, I'm very good at seeing the good in things. It's the only way I'm able to deal with myself.
I'd like to get a plant that I can really bond with, but there aren't any that strike my eye. The problem is that I'm expecting a Little Shop of Horrors situations, when that's never going to happen. My ficus is never going to start talking to me.