Food can be very cultural and geographic. If you lived in the jungle, guess what? You're going to eat bugs. If you live in Los Angeles, you're going to eat tacos. That's just how it is. Either food would be weird to the other person, but they're both fine. Not that you'll see me eating bugs any time soon.
Then there are some combinations of food that everyone would turn their heads at. You look at them and think, "how is this person eating that?" Those are the types of foods we're talking about, however, these actually taste really good. You'll just have to trust these people on the internet about that, and when has that ever gone wrong?
Living life is about taking risks, especially when eating. If you'd like to live boldly and go where no tongue has gone before, then give some of these recipes a try and tell us your favorite in the comments. #44 will gross you out, but a ton of people actually eat it!
1. Pickles and Ice Cream
I'm a pickles guy, despite some of my reservations about them. They go great with sweet stuff. You just have to get over the emotional hurdle of eating a pickle with something unexpected. I figure, if we eat french fries and ice cream, anything salty can go with ice cream at this point. Pickles are ultra salty, so by my logic they should be ultra tasty with ice cream!
I can't wait until the day where you can go into a froyo restaurant and they have little mini pickles as a topping. I bet they'd be untouched most of the time. I'd load up on them though. I might not even fill up the cup with ice cream. I'd just take an empty cup and fill it with mini pickles. There's no rule against that.
2. Melted Chocolate on a Cheese Pizza
I've been known to put just about anything on my pizza. Sweet, sour, savory, drugs. I'll try everything at least once. Most of the time the combinations are a horrible idea. Even something as simple as anchovies actually sucks, despite being well known. I don't care how soft the bones are. I don't want to eat bones. With that being said, I've definitely done sweet pizzas before. I even have a great recipe for a dessert pizza. The thing is, that pizza uses cream cheese, not real cheese.
The textures of chocolate and melted cheese seem way too similar yet different to be pleasant together. Believe me, I've taken alternate bites of a cheese pizza and lava cake, but there's some chew time in between those bites. It's different when you get a mouth-load of chocolate and gooey cheese.
3. Frosted Flakes with Cheese
If someone put this bowl in front of me, I'd claim I was lactose intolerant. I'd fake a doctor's note if I had to. Hell, I'd fake death to get out of eating this. How does this even occur to someone? Someone must have accidentally dropped a cheese slice into their bowl, then their mom screamed, "don't you go wasting food! You better eat that!" There's no wasting food, even when that food is an abomination.
What kind of cheese works best? Just your typical Kraft singles? What about some artisanal cheeses. Would those make this even better, or does it require the cheapest materials possible? I have a theory that most cheap things taste good together because they're all made by the same company, like Kraft. It's probably all the same ingredients mashed into different tastes and textures.
4. Hot Dog and Jelly
Considering that Chicago style hot dog has pretty much everything in the universe on it, I'm not surprised that there are some interesting hot dog combinations. Hot dogs can be like bloody marys. Sure, you can have the standard version with no frills and that's good, but you can also have one with an entire pizza on top of it and everyone is OK with that too. Look at places like 7-11. They have nacho cheese and chili for the nachos, but you know they want you to load up your hot dog with that stuff too.
Jelly on the dog counteracts the saltiness of the hot dog, so I would highly recommend this. I'd especially recommend trying it with a gourmet sausage like a bratwurst. No need to always go the cheap route with Oscar Myer. Treat yourself with some rattlesnake sausage.
5. Popcorn and Ketchup
When it comes to popcorn, load me up with everything. If the theater has jalapenos you know I'm throwing them in there. If I have some extra money I'll throw in some peanut M&Ms too. That's just how I do. I especially love the theatres that sell flavor powder. You can buy a little shaker of sour cream and onion, caramel, cheese, or spicy. Isn't that awesome? The thing is, if you're broke the popcorn is expensive enough. That's when you have to go to the condiments.
I've been known to put mustard on my popcorn, so who am I to judge ketchup? The only thing I've noticed with any wet condiment is that it's not the best theater choice. I don't like walking out of the theater with yellow all over my fingers and clothes.
6. Peanut Butter in a Hamburger
How come I'm instantly pleased when I think about jelly on a burger, but peanut butter gives me a little bit of pause? A rare burger with arugula and jelly is a great burger choice. Sure, it's a little weird, but it works. Kind of like it's a vinaigrette on a burger. Peanut butter is so dry that you'd need a really juicy burger. The bun would need to be perfect as well. I don't see it playing, but I've been wrong before. There's only one way to find out: eat it. That's never a bad option.
I think the only real problem I have with it is the tomato and lettuce. I'd skip on that with the peanut butter combo. That's too many vegetables on one burger. Yes, I'm counting peanut butter as a vegetable. There's is nothing wrong with that.
7. Peanut Butter and Jelly with Doritos in the Middle
This is a child pragmatist's dream. Here's how something like this gets created. One day a kid was playing outside, not wanting to stop, but his mom called him to come inside. "You can't play again until you finish your whole lunch." The best way to get back to playing the fastest was to jam his chips into his sandwich and chomp away. He never realized he would change the world forever.
I think we've all experimented with chips in our sandwiches the same way we've all experienced with things in college... right? Dad, don't read this. But really, chips in the sandwich is a time-honored tradition. This gets a little wild with the nacho cheese Doritos. That's a pungent taste to mix with your PBJ. Anything to get back in the yard and play though, am I right?
8. Salt and Pepper on Apples
This is the type of concoction that comes from a dare, or from someone like me being careless in the kitchen. I've had pepper on so much of my food just because I knock it off the shelf and it comes falling all over my food. What are you going to do after you just spent two hours on a peach cobbler? The thing is, fruit doesn't need much, especially fresh fruit. Salt and pepper are normally used to put on white people's seasonless cooking (sorry, white people. There's some shade for you).
Think if someone offered you some fresh cut fruit and came out with this. You'd have to go to the sink and rinse your apples off. That's just weird, right? I once saw a guy rinse off his spicy wings in the restaurant bathroom sink because they were too hot. I saw him in the reflection of the mirror, because that man was me.
9. Honey on Pizza
Honey on pizza gets a big yes from me. That sounds good right off the bat. Think about how it tastes on the crust. That's really where it needs to be. Those lowly, flavorless crusts. That's where there needs to be more advancements in the pizza industry. Sure, we've had stuffed cheese crusts, and stuffed hot dog crusts, but I want it to go farther. I want to get excited about crusts again, instead of shamefully wrapping them in a paper towel and throwing them away.
Are you someone who eats the crusts or not? If you couldn't tell, I'm not a crust eater, and it is true that I shamefully throw them away. I am so afraid someone will give me crap for not eating the crusts. Then I'll be forced to eat the crust and there will be less room in my belly for cheese and meats.
10. Fries Dipped in Honey
Fries are super chill because they'll dip in anything and taste good. They're fries after all. They just taste good. If you were forced to eat poop, you'd probably want to dip a fry in the poop to make it more tolerable. That'll make it taste much better, like an Arby's sauce. I don't know why you'd be in that situation, but you never know. You might find yourself in a $100 bet, or a Saw movie situation.
Honey is one of those sauces that just works with anything. Is it even considered a sauce? I don't know what I'd call it. It's more a syrup. Or is honey just it's own thing? I'm starting to think I should have paid more attention in high school. Or middle school. Or whenever they teach you about honey.
11. Cheese and Peanut Butter
Sometimes all you have in your cupboard is some peanut butter and cheap cheese. That's when you have to make do and get creative. I always had the tire-rubber cheese singles. They weren't even the name brand. They were a cheaper off-brand. When you pulled the plastic off, it would rip and you'd end up leaving some of the plastic on the cheese single. Those were the days. I'm sure that cheese wasn't what was meant to be used for this combination.
I could see a nice Spanish manchego pairing well with a Jiffy extra creamy. Look at me sounding all fancy. All you have to do to sound fancy is reference a type of cheese that no one normally references. Put a nationality on it to sound even fancier. A portuguese valdeon. A German winnimere. See?
12. Peanut Butter and Onion
Onions are a strong force in the food world, especially raw. Everyone can deal with some sauteed or grilled onions. You strip away the bite when you do that. Sometimes that's necessary. You can't always tackle the full intensity of the onion. What kind of vegetable makes people cry? That alone should tell you that the raw onion is not a thing to mess with. I've spent many nights sobbing while cooking. I've also spent some of those nights sobbing because of the onion. The other nights were due to other things...
I'm also one who likes crunch peanut butter, but not an onion crunch. That's just disturbing. It would feel like you were eating a bunch of rotten peanuts in your sandwich. I'm trying to find some good in this, but I just can't.
13. Oreos in Orange Juice
Dipping cookies in milk is such a big thing that they even have different products you can buy to help the dipping process. I've seen little cookie fishing poles so you can dunk the whole cookie without putting your fingers in the milk. The fact that there's a market for that is amazing. People really love to dip. They love to dip so much that when the milk is gone, who cares? Dip in the OJ!
I totally get this combination, because it reminds me of those chocolate orange slices. They were big balls of chocolate cut into slices like an orange. The mixture of orange and chocolate was very good. Here you have that same effects but in cookie form. The only thing is if the OJ starts to turn brown from the chocolate. That is a lot less pleasant than chocolate milk.
14. Soy Sauce and Vanilla Ice Cream
Let's go find the first Chinese restaurant that served ice cream. I'm sure that's where this was invented. Those two food items aren't usually in the same vicinity otherwise. Either that or this was a prank. Ever notice how similar soy sauce looks to chocolate sauce when melted into the ice cream? This prank must have gone wrong because this is apparently very delicious. I'd need to be tricked into eating this to prove it though.
Is it that vanilla ice cream is so "vanilla" (boring) that you can put anything on it and make it taste better? What about human blood? Now, before you call me crazy, hear me out. If you could be promised that the blood was infection free, wouldn't you pay $100 for a scoop of ice cream with Jennifer Lawrence's blood on it? Or am I just the weird one?
15. Banana and Cheese Toastie
It seems that there is a general trend towards sandwiches being a free-for-all when it comes to ingredients. It's too easy to just mash things in between two pieces of bread and forget about it. "Oh, there's a piece of shattered glass in this sandwich? Great! Can barely taste it!" It's the ultimate way to hide things. Got stale bread? Toast it! Now it's stale on purpose.
Sometimes when you're making a toastie (grilled cheese), the cheese and bread just isn't enough. I usually opt to add sausage or chicken. I guess if all you have it banana, that's just as good too. The cheese is already going to be squishy, so I guess the banana will just blend in. Still, I think I will just add extra cheese the next time instead of adding the banana.
16. Funyuns and Cream Cheese
How have Funyuns stayed relevant for so long?! I mean, don't get me wrong. On one hand I totally get it. These are onion rings in a bag, essentially. Sure, they aren't as good as real, fresh onion rings, but you also don't always have a deep fryer handy. With that being said, they are an onion chip. It's like they were made for the geeky kid in class who never even has to worry about talking to people.
We know that Funyuns are delicious, and we know that cream cheese is delicious, so put them together and it works. The only problem I foresee is that I don't see the structural integrity of Funyuns holding up to the sheer power of the cream cheese. You're going to have a lot of broken Funyun pieces in your cream cheese by the end of your snack.
17. Peanut Butter and Pickle
Don't worry. Peanut butter and pickle isn't the combination when you put peanut butter all over your privates when you own a dog. That's called something else. I think it may be called a felony. I'm not sure. It depends on the state you live in. Peanut butter and pickle sandwich sounds like it's something Elvis would have liked. He was famous for the peanut butter and banana combo (no one can knock that combo). He also died early from a heart attack, so what does he know?
I guess the saltiness of pickles with the semi-sweetness of peanut butter would work. The problem is that if it ends up tasting bad it can take a long time to chew it. You ever try to swallow peanut butter when you're disgusted? It feels like it takes a year.
18. Grape Jelly and Scrambled Eggs
Grape jelly and scrambled eggs... that sounds familiar. Wasn't that the theme song to Frasier? "Hey, baby I hear the blues-a-calling. Grape jelly and scrambled eggs." OK, so maybe it was "tossed salad and scrambled eggs," but I was always a little uncomfortable by the term "tossed salad" after I got out of prison. Turns out all those guys didn't want me to serve them a plate of leafy greens.
Both grape jelly and scrambled eggs are breakfast foods, so I can see the two working when you run out of hot sauce or ketchup. Let's be clear though. Your scrambled eggs need to be bomb for this to be good. I'm tired of people serving me their dry scrambled eggs. I don't care if it's your grandma's special recipe. The only thing special about it is that it harnesses the power of the desert.
19. Brie and Jam Sandwich
Brie is one of those cheeses that only shows up at fancy parties. You don't see brie next to the sweaty cubes of yellow and orange cheese served at senior centers. That's when the cheese doesn't even really have a name. It's just labeled by its color. Does that make it blue cheese when it molds? Brie is one of the most fantastic cheeses, so you could practically put it on anything and you're going to be good.
Brie and jam doesn't seem that odd to me actually. I usually have brie with other appetizers like bread and jam, and we usually just mash all those things together into a ball anyway. Why not make a classy little sandwich? This is the type of sandwich that the weird kid in middle school would eat. Everyone would be thinking, "don't you realize you're 10?"
20. Avocado and Honey
Avocado is the fruit of the hipsters. We all know this. They go crazy for avocado anything, especially if it has anything to do with Chipotle. Avocado toast was the peak point of avocado in the hipster culture. Twelve dollars for avocado on bread. What a scam! A scam only hipsters could fall for. Who knows what will be next for avocado though. It's not going anywhere. I'm sure we'll see avocado ice cream hit the mainstream soon. For now, we can focus on avocado and honey.
What are we doing here? Just because we can put honey on an avocado doesn't mean we should. What happened with a little bit of salt and lime? I might as well give this a try though. I once used an avocado as a spoon for tomato soup, so you know I'm ultimately game for anything.
21. Nutella and Salted Chips
Sweet and salty are the perfect pair. I'm sure we'll see a lot of items on this list that are based on that classic combination. Some are a little wild, while others just make sense. Nutella and salted chips just makes sense to me. First off, Nutella is very dippable. Unlike something like peanut butter or a chocolate sauce. Easy dipping means no chip-breaks. Chip-breaks in the dip must be avoided at all costs!
Talk about a dangerous combo though. I could eat five bags of chips in a row on their own, and I could eat a couple of jars of Nutella on their own. The math starts to get pretty scary when you add those two together. If you let me, I'd eat several jars of Nutella and bags of chips in one sitting.
22. Rice with Ketchup
This combination makes me very sad. I'll tell you why, and you'll see if maybe you can relate. It's 9pm and you've been holding off eating because you're broke and it would be easier just to go to sleep than to have dinner. Poor life, woot woot! But you just can't do it. There's no way your body will let you sleep without something in your belly, so you take whatever you can. That's where the rice comes in. Rice is the cheapest thing you can make other than cake, but rice gets very harsh to eat alone meal after meal. You have to mix it up, which is where the ketchup comes in - the cheapest condiment.
This combo just takes me back to all those nights. Now I just go further into credit card debt when I want to eat good food. I'll win the lotto one day, so it'll be fine. I'll pay it all back.
23. Ice Cream and Fries
If you've ever gone to McDonalds or Wendys, you've done this combination. Right? Am I crazy to think that? My sister would get a milkshake or ice cream, and I'd get fries (no one was getting more than that), so I'd swipe my fry in her shake just to piss her off. It would work, and on top of that I'd get a delicious treat out of it. The mixture of hot and cold, sweet and salty, entree and dessert. What a great combination.
I've yet to see this combo served in a professional setting. I'm talking about a straight up menu item. I want a beautiful plate to come out of the Chili's kitchen loaded with ice cream and fries. People would always think it's your birthday when you ordered it. Who doesn't like being sung too in the middle of a restaurant.
24. Vegemite or Marmite with Pasta and Cheese
Vegemite and marmite are Australian spreads made from brewer's yeast. It's a big thing in Australia, but isn't such a big deal in the United States. In fact, I don't think more Americans would be used to the taste. It's extremely salty and strong, but when paired with the right foods it can be very satiating. It's as if the Australians are so tough that even their food is over seasoned to demonstrate their tongue's resolve.
Pasta is like rice in that you can throw anything in there and it might be good. I always keep a couple of boxes of pasta around because it's so simple and filling. 99 cents a box for three to four meals? Yes please! If you're sick of throwing dollar store ragu in your pasta, or if you're super lame, butter, then vegemite would work.
25. Popcorn and Marshmallows
You can't mess up popcorn. I'll say it again. You can't mess up popcorn. Actually, that's not true. You can mess it up by burning it, but you can't mess it up with a topping. I've talked about mustard, ketchup, and jalapenos, so you know I'm down with exploring new places with my popcorn. It's like we're in a comfortable marriage. Now we're starting to discuss swinging.
Put some hot butter on this baby and you've got a heart attack waiting to happen. I'm pretty sure I've felt a heart attack while eating popcorn and watching a movie before. That might just be because it was 'Avengers: Infinity War.' I'm not going to spoil it for you, because that would be a dick move, but if you have seen it, you know what I'm talking about.
26. Fish Fingers and Custard
Are we entirely sure that "fish fingers and custard" isn't the name of a '70s detective duo? Detective Fish Fingers lives on the edge, always breaking the rules. Detective Custard is the no-nonsense, plays-by-the-book cop. Together, they're unstoppable. I'd tune in for that. If there's anything television needs it's more cop shows.
In reality, fish fingers and custard is the salty, fishy, yet sweet treat that is apparently very delicious. This is something I've eaten when I accidently thought that the custard was dijon mustard. What a rude awakening, but surprisingly delicious. It's just not so delicious when you think you're about to taste something else. It's like when you think you're about to drink a bottle of water, but then you find out it's a bottle of vodka you hid because of your secret alcoholism.
27. Salami and Grapes
As a very fancy person, I'm used to eating charcuterie plates at wine bars with Hollywood elites. Often they serve grapes with the meat, that way you don't complain about spending $20 on four slices of meat. They have to throw a grape and a peanut or two in there or else they'd never sell them. One thing I've never done though is wrap a grape in the salami though. The Hollywood elites might kick me out of their table if I did something like that!
Turns out it must be good though. A greasy piece of salami with a juicy grape. It's like a meat Gusher. Remember Gushers? They are the candy that has a gooey inside so that when you chew them they gush with fruity goodness. Now imagine the gushing fruity goodness wrapped in sweaty meat!
28. Pickles and Oreos
An Oreo is already beyond just being a cookie. It's like two cookies plus cream. How much more do you really need to mix with two cookies and some cream? The answer is everything. Oreo feels like the fair game cookie. Oreos are down for anything, like that one person in college who would drink one beer and start yelling "I'm experimenting tonight!" I think because we don't have all the extra baggage about making Oreos ourselves the way we do with chocolate chip, it makes them way easier to desecrate with something like pickles.
For me, sometimes pickles are tough to get down just by themselves. If you get a bad brine, then the whole pickle balance is off. You'll especially want some tasty brine if you're going to dip your Oreo in the pickle juice. Yum!
29. Butter and Sugar Sandwiches
Butter and sugar sandwiches. That cannot be good for you, which is how you know it's amazing. I'm a big fan of any sandwich that uses copious amounts of butter. Grilled cheese is my main sandwich because of that. Slather on the butter like it's a condiment. I figure since we put butter in pastries and on pancakes, it's gotta be good with sugar on plain bread. That's just simple science.
This reminds me of a dessert my mom used to make. It was tortillas with butter, sugar, and cinnamon. Basically this exact same concept except with cinnamon. You know why we wouldn't have them sometimes? My mom would say we were out of cinnamon. I'm such an idiot. I should have told her to make it with just the sugar and we'd be fine!
30. Grilled Cheese and Applesauce
Grilled cheese day was always my favorite in elementary school. They'd serve up a big, hearty grilled cheese sandwich with a cup of vegetable soup. Both were amazing, which is not something you usually say about school cafeteria food. Then you realize that grilled cheese and soup are the two easiest things to make. No wonder they were great. You only have to worry when the school cafeteria starts to serve up crab rangoon.
Give me anything hot or cold to dip my grilled cheese in. Applesauce sounds just as good as anything else. People eat cheese and apples all the time together. Sounds even better when one is fried and the other is mashed. Just don't mash the grilled cheese and fry the applesauce. It will taste horrible and I doubt it'll be good.
31. Strawberries, sour cream, and brown sugar
Sour cream is the secret weapon in cooking. It has been used to my benefit many times. No one suspects it because it's kind of scary to use. It's SOUR cream. From a very early age we're taught to avoid creams that are sour. Turns out that it can go with sweet and savory, so it's pretty much the best. In this case it can go with two distinctly different sweets from the fruity strawberry to the tang of brown sugar.
Strawberries are the classic, romantic sexy food. Imagine if you had a plate of these to seduce your lover. Just make sure they weren't expecting whipped cream instead of sour cream. That can be a harsh confusion. That's the last thing you want during a sexy evening. Avoid any and all things sour during a sexy evening unless otherwise agreed upon.
32. Pizza topped with fresh banana
Fresh banana? There's a twist. I would have expected cooked bananas on the pizza. This sounds even better because if it tastes horrible you can more easily peel the bananas off. Banana slices are much harder to take off when they're melted in with the cheese. According to the experts though, this should taste pretty good. Who are these experts? Stoned college students. Not exactly PHD level people.
You don't see many toppings that are added fresh after the pizza is cooked. Raw chicken. Let me pose this question. If eating raw chicken wouldn't give you salmonella, would you eat it? The correct answer is no. I know you're thinking that it was an opinion question, but it was not. There was a correct and incorrect answer. If you want to eat raw chicken, you're a weirdo.
33. Cold Meatballs and Melted Chocolate
There is power in specificity. Everyone can connect with specifics. If I want to connect with you about my childhood, I won't tell you that I had brown cheap sneakers. I should tell you that I had Payless brand Jordans called Ronads. While normal Jordans have the logo of Michael Jordan slam dunking, Ronads depicted Michael Jordan on the bench. See? Don't you feel like we lived the same childhood now?
Why do I bring up specificity? Because cold meatballs and melted chocolate is pretty specific. So you're telling me that you had the ability to melt the chocolate, yet you couldn't heat the meatballs? What kind of logic is that? I'm more concerned with the logic than I am the taste. I'm sure it tastes good, but might as well heat those meat balls up!
34. Peanut butter and curry
I'm not expert in curry, but it seems like they can get play pretty fast and loose when they want. You have coconut curry, duck curry, and yellow curry. That's a fruit, an animal, and a color. Why not go with peanut butter? From what I understand, peanut's are a big part of Thai cooking, so if this was a Thai curry then I don't see the flavors clashing at all.
I recently went to Jitlada, a local Los Angeles Thai restaurant that is known for being very authentic. I figured, when in Rome, eat like the Thai people do (I think I messed that up). I went with the hottest curry. It didn't even look like curry. It looked like five or six hot coals on a plate. The sauce couldn't even stay liquid because it was so hot. I'm still recovering.
35. Pineapple and blue cheese
Blue cheese is so good, yet so bad for you. Think about it. The healthiest things to eat on Earth are the things that grow easily that you can just grab from the dirt. Now think about blue cheese. You need to keep milk locked up in the dark for thirty days to get blue cheese. That's ungodly, so of course it's bad for you. It sure is delicious though. It's such a salty cheese that you shouldn't be able to legally sell it without an accompanying bottle of water.
A juicy piece of pineapple would taste delicious with a blue cheese crumble. The thing is, again, blue cheese is horrible for you. How much of this are you going to feasibly eat? If no one stopped me I'd definitely eat too much. I'm a fatty mcfat fat.
36. Hot chocolate and avocado
Here comes avocado again starting trouble. Always trying to get into everyone's business. This time avocado has come for everyone's favorite holiday beverage, hot chocolate. Does the avocado know no bounds to its greed? Stay over there with salty tastes! Don't come messing with our sweets! Then again, this combo is especially delicious, so maybe come visit a couple of times, avocado... why am I talking to an avocado?
You might wonder how this works. What the science behind this combination is. It's simple. Avocado's have a buttery quality to them, so that's what makes this combo work. Just avoid putting any salt on the avocado. That'll kill it. Your heart will tell you to do it, but you'll need to ignore it. This is about the marriage between chocolate and avocado. Salty had its chance.
37. Strawberries and parmesan cheese
You ever notice how people will just throw cheese into anything? It's because it works! Cheese is a main dish and a condiment. It makes everything better. Plus, it's cheap! If you don't have cheese in your fridge then what are you doing? You can get 20 Kraft singles for 99 cents. That's 20 meals for 99 cents (if you're desperate). The one cheese you should always have around is parmesan. You can get it free when you order a pizza after all.
My big question, and it might make or break this meal, is what form of parmesan we're talking about. Is this powdery pizza parlor parmesan (love the alliteration there. Boom!)? Or is it a big block of parmesan you can cut chunks out of? Ah, hell. Either way I'm down. Either coat the strawberry with powdered cheese, or make a little parmesan-strawberry sandwich.
38. Pizza and tuna
Tuna has saved my life so many times. Often I've been on a ramen or quesadilla diet due to extreme poverty, and sometimes you just have to mix it up. Throw a little bit of tuna in there for the protein. It's cheap and does the job. Too bad now it's all infected with mercury, so it'll be the death of me, despite keeping me alive for so many years. It's poetic really. I'm sure Shakespeare wrote something similar to it.
If there's any breeding ground for fishy ideas, it's pizza. It's just too easy to put something on pizza, especially if we're talking about a cheap frozen pizza. You won't catch me eating one of those without adding some of my own cheese to it. That's the secret to living a gourmet life on a poor-man's budget. That and stealing from your friends.
39. Dark chocolate and beets
They may seem like tasty, unassuming vegetables, but beware of beets despite their temptations. They will turn your bodily fluids red, which can be extremely disturbing. I don't need to explain why. There's only two colors I want to see in that bowl after I go. I won't talk about them, but I think we all have an unspoken agreement on what they are. It's too bad too, because beets are delicious. They are one of nature's little candies.
They've got a hint of sweetness to them, which makes the chocolate a welcome pairing. Is there anything more romantic than a plate of beets and chocolate on white sheets? You and your lover can spend a night eating them and making love. The next day you do full laundry from all the beet juice getting everywhere, and you go to the emergency room because you think you have internal bleeding.
40. Pizza and strawberries
Don't act so surprised. Strawberries on pizza? Of course. I think anything that you can cut up into little discs is probably going to end up on pizza at some point. Pizza knows this. It's pizzas destiny. She will take on all comers, providing shelter. In that way, pizza is kind of like the statue of liberty. Except the French didn't give it to us, the Italians did. Makes you wonder, what did we ever do for them?
Anytime I hear about fruit on pizza I just think about my famous dessert pizza I talked about earlier. Sure, the fruit tastes just fine on regular old pizza, but it's MADE for fruit pizza. If you want fruit and pizza so bad, just go have some fruit pizza. No need to be some revolutionary who eats mago with their pepperoni!
41. Chocolate and Soy Sauce
Someone is going to have to walk me through this combination. Chocolate and soy sauce? Who felt the need to do that? The thing is, I just love chocolate so much. I'm not a pregnant woman. I don't need to add anything else to it. It's kind of like asking someone "would you like me to put pornogrpahy on while we have sex?" No. Just put the pornography on and please leave. Not what you were expecting, was it?
If you give me a super chocolatey brownie, then I can try this. You ever have a brownie that was so sweet it's inedible? That's what I'd need to pull this off. You tell me, what kind of chocolate should I eat with my soy sauce? A bar? Brownie? Dark? Milk chocolate? This is a new world for me.
42. Ketchup and dark chocolate
Isn't the classic joke that ketchup goes with everything? Like, you could be eating a human body, then you pause and say, "could use a little ketchup." That's the best way you can get out of a food related prank. Let's say you're eating some brownies and then someone tells you that it's actually human feces. Pause thoughtfully, and then say, "could use a little ketchup." You'll still get hepatitis, but at least you'll get a laugh too.
I'm glad this recipe (if you can call it that) is so specific. I would hate to eat milk chocolate with ketchup and get the whole thing wrong. On that topic, can we all stop pretending like we like dark chocolate? Maybe we kind of like it, but it's like 95% milk chocolate, 5% dark chocolate. We just want to seem sophisticated.
43. Rhubarb and avocado
Before writing this article, if you'd have put a gun up to my head and asked me what a rhubarb was, I wouldn't be able to tell you. Part of that is because I secretly want to die, but a bigger part of it is that I have no idea what it is. I've heard of rhubarb pie, but never knew what that really meant either. Turns out rhubarb is a leafy green. Maybe that's why I wasn't aware of it. The only leafy green I use is Mary Jane. Woop woop.
Throw together a rhubarb and avocado salad and you're good to go. You get a nice meaty avocado and you don't need anything else like cheese or meat. Then you can brag to all your friends about how healthy you eat. Why work out or eat healthy if you're not going to brag about it.
44. Cheetos and Milk
They say when you eat something spicy you should pair it with milk, because milk generates a coating on your tongue that stops the burning sensation. The last thing I want is a coating forming on my tongue. That sounds terrible. That's why milk or spicy stuff is a bad date choice. If you're on a date and the other person orders milk and spicy wings, you better split the bill. They're not planning on giving you a kiss.
Hot Cheetos are dangerous. The next day you will be defecating red. It's just a matter of whether that red is blood or dye. It's possible it's both. That's the thing. There's no way to tell. It's the same with beets. If you had a drunk meal of beets and hot cheetos, you may forget and then be in for a rude awakening when you use the restroom the next morning.
45. Gin and raspberries
I think it's safe to say that you can throw fresh fruit in any clear alcohol. There are even some dark alcohols you can do it too, but not whiskey. Don't you go messing up whiskey with fresh fruit, ya looney! Gin, however, would be great. It has a natural lemony taste, so a raspberry pairing would be quite nice while getting sh*t faced. I like to get completely smashed and use terms like "this is quite nice." I'm a man of many layers.
My mom used to tell me that gin was the worst alcohol for your brain. That's pretty shocking considering how awful they all are for your brain. For gin to be especially worse, that's pretty incredible. The most disturbing thing about that story is the fact that my mom drank gin exclusively. It's like she was speaking from experience.
46. Bacon and jam
Bacon and jam is the sort of thing that happens when you don't keep segregation on the breakfast plate. You get all the things mixing and trouble starts! I hope you read that as an old, racist white guy. I know it's upsetting, but maybe we can learn about society's past indiscretions through breakfast foods. I mean, sometimes you can't help your bacon from rolling into your toast and getting jam on it. It is then that your third eye opens and you realize that the key to happiness is jam and bacon.
People love bacon. It's like a movement. A movement that can kill you. Bacon is so unhealthy. Like we've found many times before though, that's what makes it good. The power lies in the unhealthiness. Dip it in chocolate, jam, beer. WHATEVER. We just want our bacon.
47. Coffee and orange
This is going to help a lot when I run out of creamer. I can just pour some orange juice in my coffee and I'll be good to go. Actually, to be honest, I mostly put cold water in my coffee. The reason why is because the coffee is too damn hot. I hate when I get a coffee from Starbucks and I have to wait four years for it to cool down from it's magma-hot temperature. It's the ultimate beverage cock-tease.
I often order both a coffee and an orange juice at the same time when I go to diners. The coffee is for the hangover, and the orange juice is also for the hangover. That was the typical French breakfast when I visited France. Baguette, croissant, orange juice, and coffee. I truly don't need anything else in life.
48. Caviar and white chocolate
I've got to start getting into caviar. That's a very baller thing to bring to a potluck. Just bring a tiny tin of it. People won't even know how much they're supposed to take on their plate. "How many eggs did you allot for each person?" Or if you just walk down the street eating a little tin of caviar. The ladies will know that you are a totally cool dude who has fine taste. They might also think you're a d-bag, but it's worth the risk.
I can see why white chocolate is the choice for caviar. White chocolate is the fanciest of chocolates for some reason. That's how it appears to me. Dark chocolate is pretty fancy, but it's less accessible than white chocolate. No wonder white chocolate is palling around with caviar.
49. Nutella and fries
French fries, you hoe! French fries are always messing around with every dip. They get around, if you know what I mean. I don't mean to be a hater. If I was thin, fried, and delicious I'd be dipping myself into every cup of sauce I saw too. This is getting awkward isn't it? It's almost like I've been secretly jealous of french fries for my whole life and it's just coming out now.
Nutella is the ultimate sauce, don't you think? It's like sweet gold. I remember when I first tasted it. I thought it was chocolate sauce, then I was corrected. It's hazelnut sauce. Where the hell are these hazelnuts and when can we start eating them straight? Seriously, i want to buy a bag of pure hazelnuts and get wild. Let's pop some nuts.
50. Chilli powder and fruit
Latin people have known about this one forever. Chilli powder and fruit is like their oxygen. They can't walk four miles straight without having some. I can say that because I'm Latino myself, and I've had to eat this dish twelve times just to make it through writing this article. It gives me the fruit energy I need, with the spiciness to keep my virility up.
Hopefully you live in an area where people walk around with carts that sell chilli powder and fresh fruit. One, these people are artists. They can use a knife better than I can use a computer keyboard, and I can use a computer keyboard VERY WELL. Two, it's fresh, healthy food. That's how life should be. Eating fresh fruit, chilling. Just give me the simple pleasures... and a million dollars.
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