There might be a lot of bad things going on in the world right now, but at least we have more amazing products than we've ever had before. You can thank capitalism for that. If you have a great invention, there's nothing stopping you from showing it to the world.
The thing is, if you can think of it, someone has probably already made it, as is evident by this list of totally random inventions. Don't let that discourage you though. If someone hasn't made it yet, then you can make it and become a billionaire. Everyone wants to make a billion dollars, even billionaires.
I'm not saying all of these invention are necessary in life, but they are definitely interesting. I'm always looking to fill with the void in my heart with consumerism. Check out which of these will fill the void in your heart and finally make your life complete. #46 is absolutely absurd!
1. Baby Stroller and Scooter Hybrid
I once went shopping with my sister for a baby stroller and it wasn't easy. There's one thing I realized. There are so many choices that it can get really confusing to figure out which one is best. I do distinctly remember that the main quality my sister was looking for was safety. This invention seems to care less about safety and more about speed and awesomeness. I guess extreme parents need options too.
If you've ever been anywhere with a stroller, you suddenly realize how much space people take up. I really doubt you're going to find many places where you can go full throttle down the road with your baby. Still, if you hit a straight away, then this could save you a couple of minutes. Just don't get tempted to hit any jumps.
2. Flask tie
I love this type of product because they act as a type of test of character. The proper human response when receiving a flask tie as a gift is to chuckle and make a joke or two about where you're going to use it (church, visiting the inlaws, fancy ball games). Then you put it away somewhere and never speak of it again. That's what it's meant for, because for the love of God, once you're drinking out of a tie, you have a real problem.
I talked about how this is a gift item, but think about the person who buys this for themselves. This is a person who not only drinks so much, but loves deceit enough to wear a flask tie. I just load up a water bottle with vodka like a normal person.
3. Anti-Pervert Hairy Socks
Anyone who has been with their female significant other for over a year has already experienced this in real life. It's human nature. My girlfriend stopped shaving her legs so often, and I stopped being faithful so often. It's just the nature of relationships. At least these socks aren't bristly hairs. Those are the ones that feel painful. I can run my hand through locks of leg hair, but the bristles hurt.
Let's talk about why anti-pervert socks would even be necessary. Looks like the perverts are getting so bad that simple mace just won't do. It'll take a full on transformation of the body to repel these perverted creatures from their sexual advances. Seriously, men ruin everything. Yes, I'm assuming all the perverts are men. Give me some evidence otherwise. I don't think you can.
4. Ping Pong Umbrella
I want this so bad but the only door in my apartment other than the front door is the bathroom door. Are you telling me we have to play through someone urinating? Sure, I could stop playing when someone used the restroom, but I think I'd be too tempted to get a deuce while dropping a deuce. Technically I think a deuce is a tennis term, but ping pong might as well be called tiny tennis. It has the same musical ring to it.
This is the type of home addition I'd need to just install instead of going through the proper channels. The proper channels would be my landlord and girlfriend. I'd get a big no from both of them. For my girlfriend, I already have too big of a problem leaving the restroom door open. For my landlord, he's more of a billiards guy.
5. Google Umbrella
This is an ingenious idea, but also, have you ever heard of holding the umbrella higher? This is one of those extra luxuries like a back-up camera in a car. Oh, so you can't turn around? We made it this long just turning our bodies to see what's behind us. Why do we suddenly need cameras? Anyway, back to the umbrella. It's nice to have eye-holes so your face doesn't get wet, but are you really telling me that's an effective eye-hole? There's going to be water running down it, and it's going to be a foot and a half away from your face.
Seriously, just hold the umbrella higher. It's that easy. Yeah, your face can still get wet, but if you have that much horizontal rain, then something much worse is going on. A geostorm possibly.
6. Baby Mop
Never underestimate the laziness of a new parent. Especially after their first child. The laziness and apathy grows with each child. Have you ever met the youngest of nine children? They are the most independent, strong people because their parents practically let them walk around the city at age three. Parents with their first child get lazy out of desperation. They're working way too hard not to give up every once and awhile. By the 9th child they're lazy by choice. That's just your life. Your energy has been exhausted anyway. Nothing more than a husk of what once was.
Nothing strengthens a baby's immune system like crawling on the dirty floor, collecting every particle and speck of dirt. Might as well have the butcher babysit the baby. It can clean the floor of blood and meat particles too!
7. Hug Me Pillow
We've all fallen to especially lonely times every once in a while. In those times you mash up your pillows and blankets into a person and try to collect even a tiny morsel of human connection in the mass of linen. The next step up is anime pillows. Those are big body pillows with pictures of an anime girl on them. It's like you're hugging the real thing! The next level up is this, the hug me pillow.
Who doesn't want a limp, zombie-like arm around them while they sleep? I'd be afraid that I'd forget about the pillow in the middle of the night and get freaked out. When you're not expecting a hand next to you, it's the last thing you want to wake up next to. That's why I sleep with my trusty guard cats. They will always let me know if danger is around, or if it's just one of my many mannequins.
8. The Coffee Mug Iron
Let's pause to think about this one. First, we can talk about the good qualities. This is all steam powered. There's no electricity involved, which is good for the environment, I guess? I hear people worried about gas and water consumption, but never electric consumption. I'm going to guess it's not a huge deal. Secondly, you get two things done at once. Ironing and drinking your morning coffee. Mornings are usually rushed, so that's gotta be a good thing.
Now let's talk about the bad aspects of this product. There's really only one but it's crucial. I have a steamer iron, and I can't help myself from accidentally getting the water from inside the iron all over my clothes. That's just a tiny hole in the iron too. You're expecting me not to spill my open hole of coffee all over my clothes?! This is ridiculous!
9. The Ab-Enhancer
The funny thing about working out is that there is no secret to it. No one with six pack abs, awesome glutes, and bursting biceps is holding onto some secret magic spell that gave them those things. It's simply due to hard work and eating right. Let me clarity. Lots of hard work, and eating that is so meticulous that it takes all the fun out of the activity. I hope you like eating grilled chicken twelve times a week!
This product proves that there are some shortcuts to working out, but they come with caveats. This is kind of like if you were driving and took a shortcut that would get you to your destination an hour earlier, but you'd have to park in the parking lot that has wild, ravenous bears in it. Yes, you got there quicker, but you're not coming out of it alive. No, this product isn't going to kill anyone, but it's all show, no go.
10. Anti-Theft Sandwich Bag
No one steals rotten food except for freegans. Those are people who only eat food that is being thrown out. It's even more socially responsible than normal veganism because the food was going to waste anyway. It's also very nasty. Never invite me over for dinner if you're a freegan. I prefer my food fresh from the aisle, not a trash can. A freegan may see this ingenious sandwich bag and be the only one to still eat it. "We'll just eat the crust. It'll be fine."
This will truly stop most thieves, but it kind of turns my stomach too. At what cost is this piece of mind? Right before I eat my sandwich I have to look at it in its rotten form? Yuck. Rotten sandwich is better than no sandwich, though, so I guess it's worth it in the end.
11. The Weight Watch Belt
How come this just seems like something my dad put on once because he was lazy? It's like one of those situations where we'd be working in the garage and he didn't have a belt on. His pants kept falling so he'd grab some measuring tape and just wrap it around his jeans. That's that baby boomer ingenuity at work. I did the same thing in middle school, but I used a shoelace for a belt. The only problem is then I had a one shoe without a shoelace.
My weight can fluctuate by ten pounds just based on if I've used the restroom yet that day. I don't know if I'd be able to trust this. Plus, my body stores all its fat in my belly, well above my waist. My goal is to have my belly stick out so far that I'm as wide as I am tall.
12. Cutting Board Bird Feeder
I long for the day when there are so many birds roaming freely in my home that I require a bird feeder indoors. I also long for the day when I'm eating so much bread that the remnants from cutting the bread is enough to feed a flock of birds. It's a gluten-intolerant person's nightmare! A good tip for bread seems to be that the flakier it is, the better. You don't see the 99 cent loaf of cheap white bread getting lots of delicious, crumby flakes, do you?
How come every collector of exotic birds I know is a single person or divorcee? I don't mean to knock bird collecting, but those are just the facts. If you're happier with your birds than with another human being, then that's fine. You found your bliss.
13. Soccer Goal Chair
When you're an athlete at the top of your game, you have to get your practice in every chance you can get. Kobe Bryant used to wake up at 5 am to practice free throws hours before anyone got to practice. That's the dedication it took to stand out. The same thing goes for soccer, though I don't know how effectively this will actually improve your game. Maybe in the wheelchair leagues.
Isn't this also just a chair with a net on it? I don't know how much these cost, but if you want to make your own version, just put some grocery bags around your chairs. It's the same thing. That's if you can even get the ball in there. You'd have to be an ace player, and I think most ace players opt for the real thing.
14. Knitted Beard Hat
Let's try to focus on the market for this product. If you already have a beard, you don't wear this, right? It would be itchy, and also the physical equivalent of an oxymoron. Is there a word for that? There's probably a German word for it. If the bearded folk aren't wearing this, that means the only people wearing something like this are the poor-beardless folks of the world. I wonder if real-bearded men look down on the people wearing this. I wonder if EVERYONE looks down on people wearing this.
As much as I'm making fun of this, it's no different than a ski mask. Only this at least has some style. You're going to start hearing about a lot of bearded bank robbers. "I don't know officer. He has an immaculate beard. It almost looked knitted."
15. Sleeping Bag with Arms and Legs
I think there's a general rule that once you add certain things to a product, it's no longer that product. Let's take a human being for example. If you add wings to a human being, they aren't a human being with wings, they are an angel (or devil, depending). The same thing with a sleeping bag. It's a sleeping bag because it's a bag. You don't call it a jacket without arms. If that's the case, why is this even classified as a sleeping bag? This is just a comfy onesie.
Don't get me wrong. This is exactly what I want the next time I go camping. What they really need is a crotch hole though. I want to be able to walk out of my tent and go whizz outside. What's the point of this mobile-tent if you can't pee freely?
16. Duck Pet Muzzle
Duck pet muzzles, for when you want to notify the world that your dog is a maniac in the cutest way possible! Seriously, who are muzzles for? The dogs protection or ours? I never see a dog with a muzzle and though, "well, that's good. Now it won't break its teeth on my forearm." No. I think "who is the poor sucker this dog bit that forced it to wear a muzzle?"
At least this makes those ferocious little beasts seem cute. Like an adorable little chimera running around. It's all in the eyes though. You can tell a dog wants to get you by the eyes, not the mouth. I've seen dogs growl and snarl at me, but their soft eyes just tell me they're nervous. When you see those brows go down, you better watch it.
17. The Dogbrella
I don't own a dog, but I do have two cats. What's great about the cats is that I don't need to walk them. All I have to do is sift through sand for their poop, which isn't as bad as it sounds. One thing I admire is how loyally dog owners take their dogs on walks. Through hot or cold, rain or snow. I just never understood what you're supposed to do when it was raining. This answers that question.
It's got to be annoying to have to dry your dog off right after going on a walk. Plus, you'd probably want to bath the dog too. I live in Los Angeles. The rain is 50% dirt here. This isn't fun rain. It's more of a "will be acid rain in five years" type of rain.
18. Ostrich Pillow
Back when I was in college I would have paid upwards of $500 for something like this. I needed it that badly. Those were the days where I'd be on campus for twelve hours. All I'd want is a nice nap somewhere, but that's practically impossible in a public setting. Luckily the ostrich pillow solves that problem. Any position immediately becomes comfortable with this thing. No more wadding up your sweater for a pillow. That was the old method, but you'd end up with a zipper mark across your face.
I've tried to sleep in all kinds of places. One time at an office job I decided to sleep behind a desk because I was really hungover. I heard the door open, so I got up and pretended I was filing things. Turns out a cop had walked in to check some stuff out. It was horrible, but I got away with it.
19. Foot-powered Bike
The funny thing about the type of person who would ride this bike is that they would be completely ignorant to how ridiculous it is. That's always how it goes. I wouldn't be able to strap myself into the harness on this thing without laughing, but the same mechanism in my brain that makes that happen would also not let me buy this bike. That's the different between people like me and psychos who would buy this and then not think it was strange at all.
I do wish I was rich enough to buy something like this. I'd just use it to get around my mansion. My wife would text me from down the hall, "can you bring me some chips?" and I'd text back, "yeah. One second. I just have to strap into my bike first."
20. Pizza Scissors
Can we all just finally admit that 90% of pizza cutters suck? I'm not saying they are a bad invention, but if not sharp or strong enough, they do more harm than good. They just drag the cheese and toppings along with them. Then you have to put your whole body weight into it just to get it to pierce the crust. Everyone at the party sees how weak you are and your wife leaves you for a guy named Dane. I fear I've gotten too specific.
There's nothing like the hearty strength of scissors. These pizza scissors have a little spatula to catch the pizza too. Did NASA scientists develop this? It's ingenious. I bet this is how all the astronauts have been cutting pizza for years. With some fresh Parmesan from the moon.
21. Mix Sticks
I love how this really isn't anything except cute. It's not like you're going to take these over to your drum set and bang out a few beats. Have you ever seen how disgusting used drum sticks are? They are grimy as a hobo's bindle-stick, if you know what I mean. It's also not the best idea to start banging a pasta-sauce-covered spoon all over the kitchen. These are just cute to look at, not useful.
Drums are a really fun novice instrument. You can learn a simple beat really quickly, and then just ride that out for an entire career. I'm not saying drumming is easy. To be great is extremely difficult, but one beat could go with countless songs. Sure, no one will think you're the best drummer or anything, but you'll still get groupies.
22. Water-Gun Umbrella
Here we have an umbrella with a functioning, realistic-looking water gun attached to it. I see no problems arising from this. "Hey, it's raining. Also, is that guy pointing a gun at us?" / "I don't know. Pull out your gun and point it at him." Couldn't they at least paint it orange? What if a bad guy with a gun comes in? Everyone is going to expect umbrella-person to save the day, but all they'll be able to do is apply a light mist.
I am very happy they included the water gun function though. I hope it loads through the top so that you can just keep shooting as long as it keeps raining. You know Rambo? You could be Rain-bo. That might not be the toughest nickname considering it sounds like rainbow.
23. Din-Ink Pen Cap Eating Utensils
This is great for food critics. They can get their bite of food and write their review all in one swift motion. You'll have to watch out for the reviews that sound like this though: "The food had a heavy taste of ink. By the end of the dinner my mouth was coated in a blue substance as well." Get it? He was eating the wrong end of the pen? Man, I wish I could draw cartoons along with these articles (mostly because they'd pay me more).
I used to chew on pens like they were candy. I can't believe how gross that was though. I had no idea where those pens had been. I just did it without thinking. The same way you see children eating their shirts. By the end they are soaking wet in their own spit. Gross.
24. Corner Frames
I love any house decoration that messes with reality in a way. On the smaller scale, that can mean having lots of mirrors to make the space look bigger. On the bigger scale, that can mean making the furniture on one side of the room smaller so that people think they are growing when they walk across your house. When it comes to home decorating, I'm of the Willy Wonka ilk.
What a way to make your house guests feel like they're tripping on acid. "Jane... did you put anything weird in that lasagna? I'm starting to see the walls bend." These are very cool, but I'd avoid putting sentimental family photos in them. No one wants to see grandma's face bend into a hard edge. Especially if it's your only vintage copy of the photo.
25. Baby Shower Cap
Babies don't even realize how much they need this. They don't have the mental capacity to know pain until they experience it. One moment they are chilling, and the next moment they are feeling a horrible pain they've never felt: soap in the eye. I remember when I was old enough to be able to read shampoo bottles I would see the children's shampoo bottle say "tear free." Unfortunately tear, as in "to rip," and tear, as in "to cry," are spelled the same, so there was some confusion at first. Once I learned that it meant that it could get in your eyes without any tears, I poured it right into my sockets. Turns out it's a lie, or at least it is when you pour that much into your eyes.
As an adult I wish I head tear free shampoo. You think adults want to cry too?
26. Piano Doorbell
There are more doorbell options available to you than you'd expect. The standard ding-dong is the cheapest option, so you'll find that one out in the wild the most. You can request any song you want for the most part though. They just might have to change a note or two for legal reasons. "Would you like to upgrade to almost-Mary had a little lamb for two dollars more?" This doorbell leaves it to dealer's choice. If you're musically gifted, you could really make an entrance.
I would love for some musically gifted pranksters to come by and play a symphony before the person could come to the door to catch them. That's a sweet prank. You have to leave a bag of burning poop though. That's just doorbell-prank etiquette. The victims will be upset if you don't.
27. Full Body Umbrella
Luckily I live in Los Angeles, so it doesn't rain that often. Sure, that means I'll be the first to die in the water wars, but at least my nice outfits don't get wet. I can't imagine wearing a designer dress in Seattle and having to walk around in the rain. I can't imagine wearing a designer dress, period. This solves that problem in a very obtuse way. This whole contraption screams, "look at me!" You don't want to be the idiot with this umbrella wearing cheap sweatpants and a college t-shirt.
Can you imagine walking around busy New York streets in this? They'd start knocking you around like a beach ball. Hopefully they bounce you over to the direction you were heading. I don't know why I'm assuming this would bounce when it so clearly would not.
28. Shower Mic
This is kind of like the utensil drum sticks. It doesn't really serve a purpose. It's just a sponge shaped like a microphone. You can do this with your shampoo bottle if you wanted. Or just grab a normal sponge. Once you're squeezing it they all look the same anyway. What I'd really like to see is a functioning, waterproof microphone. Let me really belt it out in my shower. My neighbors would love that!
I'm a big singer, but never in the shower. For some reason I get embarrassed in the shower. I think it's because my neighbors can hear me more, even though I sing so loudly in my living room that there's no way they don't hear me there. It's all psychological. Maybe this sponge can help me break my mental block.
29. Forget-me-not Kid Mittens
COMMERCIAL: Brought to you by mothers who have issues with letting go, we introduce you Forget-me-not Kid Mittens. Do you fear your kid might leave your side one day? Do you want them to grow up with mommy issues? Then get your pair of Forget-me-not Kid Mittens. Your kid isn't going anywhere, not while you have anything to do with it.
That commercial would be very accurate, you have to admit. I mean, you remember those kid-leashes, right? The same arguments were made about those. At least with those you had your hands free so you could slap a bitch if you needed to. You could slap your kid too. In this case it would look like they hit themselves. That could be useful for legal reasons. "I'm sorry, Judge, but the child kept hitting himself."
30. LED Slippers
We're technically in the future now that we have LED slippers. Sure, the internet, or artificial intelligence is cool and all. Those are signifiers of our improvements in society, but they have nothing on LED slippers. This is a game change for night-pee-ers. Those are people who pee a lot during the night. If you couldn't tell, I am one of those people. We are a proud people, with a culture and history all our own. All we want is to be accepted.
These are especially good for those times you're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar and you don't even know where any of the light switches are. You end up touching every part of the walls trying to find a light. The next day there are hand prints everywhere and you try to blame it on the dog, but the they are human hand prints.
31. Baby Hanger
Baby hanger is not the best name for a product, or for anything. Maybe it would make for a good horror film, but that's about it. Not that it sounds like the best horror movie. What does the killer do? Steal babies and hang them? That doesn't seem like good sport. It's too easy. Try catching Olympic athletes or something. But enough about hanging babies. It's getting disturbing to talk about. I blame the product.
This seems useful if you can get past the name, or the fact that the system could fail, plummeting your baby to the bathroom floor. If the fall doesn't kill it, the germs will. I bet a baby gets most of its antibodies just from its first public restroom visit. There's enough germs swirling around a Yankees stadium public restroom to make super babies.
32. Truck bed
They say there's nothing better than sleeping under the stars. To that I say, aren't we always sleeping under the stars? I'm a jerk like that. But truly, getting to watch the stars is a magical thing, as cliche as it is. What better way than to do it in the comfort of your own bed AND truck. This turns any truck into a motorhome. Sure, it lacks most of the other amenities of a motorhome, but just grab a 2-liter bottle and you have a restroom too.
How many redneck babies will be made on beds like this? What a beautiful thing. I always say, there's nothing wrong with having sex in a truck. The only crime is not doing it comfortably. Be a gentleman and get a bed for your truck. Your partner will appreciate it.
33. Foldable shoe
I don't ever remember suffering from a time where my shoes were taking up too much space. Is that a thing? Is your shoe closet getting so packed that you need foldable shoes? I've heard of girls keeping a pair of flats in their purse for when their heels get uncomfortable, but those naturally roll up. These looks like work boots. "Looks like that's the end of a hard day's work. Time to fold up my shit-covered shoe and throw it in my bag, ruining everything inside!" I wish people talked like that.
It's always fun to have a shoe that does more than just be a shoe. Whether it's that they light up, fold, or help you jump higher. Give me a shoe that can do all three and you've got yourself a sale. We can call them Air Fold-ems.
34. Any Citrus Spritzer
Lemon trees are the easiest trees to keep alive, unless there's a world-class assassin hell-bent on killing it. In that case, stay inside and wait for it all to be over. Sorry for that hyper-specific piece of advice, but you'll be happy you had it if that situation ever happens to you. My main point is to tell you to invest in a lemon tree. It's the gift that keeps giving. You can make lemonade whenever you want, you little entrepreneur.
This invention will go hand-in-hand with your lemon tree, or your anything tree for that matter. I'd love to test the limits of its power. Take, for example, a jelly donut. Could I spritz jelly out of the donut? How about a juicy chicken breast? I could give any piece of food the essence of chicken. What a world!
35. Furniture Leg Plug
Outlets are a form of currency. Especially at an airport. There are times when they are all taken and I'd trade my first born child for a charge. There are just some places that especially need outlets. You've got to have an outlet close to your bed. How else are you going to keep your phone charged? That's the only way you'll be able to enjoy scrolling through instagram while you ignore your significant other right next to you. Don't act like you don't do that. Try leaving your phone in the living room for once (unless you live in a living room like I do).
People are so petty about charging their phones. They'll unplug your phone without even telling you just so they can go from 89% to 100%, even though your phone is dead. It's still the wild west with phone-charging etiquette. Be safe, people.
36. Car Blinds
This is a ghetto fabulous invention. It's not like you ever see a Rolls Royce with something like car blinds on it. It's always the beat up Honda with fake air vents that has something as audacious as car blinds. Isn't this why they created window tinting? So you wouldn't have to endanger yourself with blinds flapping around. I wonder if they are also on the windshield. "Honey, can you close the blinds?" / "yeah, but you won't be able to see and we'll die." / "I said close the blinds."
I'm a big fan of these ghetto contraptions. You can find a ton of stuff like this in any auto parts store. There's always a specific section for stupid things like skull shifter knobs and mirror LED lights. I used to load my old Acura up with all of that cheap crap.
37. Toothpaste Squeezer
Americans waste over two billion pounds of toothpaste every year from not being able to get it all out of the tube. That's a made up number, but it certainly sounds about right. It's always a battle with the toothpaste tube. Will I get every drop out of you? Or will you win? To continue the war analogy, this toothpaste roller is the nuclear bomb. No morsel of toothpaste is safe from it's rolling onslaught.
I've never seen toothpaste come in anything other than a tube. Are there jars of toothpaste that I could try? I'd just dip my brush in there. No one else would want to use it, but that's fine. I'm not trying to share my toothpaste anyway. Somebody take that idea to Shark Tank. Toothpaste in a jar! Let's disrupt the market.
38. Shower Coffee Maker and Soap Dispenser
Look, I get it. We're all busy. We try to fit in as many activities as we can into one moment. I've been there where I'm showering, shaving, and brushing my teeth all the same time. It gets rough when you confuse the toothbrush with the razor, but anything to save a couple of seconds. Ultimately, I've stopped doing that as much though, because that's no way to live. Just enjoy the moments and slow down. No one is going to die if you're two seconds late.
That being said, I'm down for this. Mostly because the smell of coffee is very enjoyable in the morning. I figure if a shower can snap me awake, a shower with coffee will give me superpowers. At least once I'd want to try pouring the coffee over myself. I'm just a curious person like that.
39. Ice Cream Padlock
Our biggest struggle as fallible beings is to abstain from our vices. Everything from sugar to alcohol just tastes/feels too good to easily say no to. It's actually kind of sad. A comedian, Ari Shaffir once said that all it would take to eliminate chlamydia for good is if everyone took the medication and stopped having sex for ten days. Ten days and a whole virus would be wiped out of existence. Still, we can't abstain.
People are probably more addicted to ice cream than sex. Sometimes they even combine the two. Try it. You'll have to wash the sheets after, but that's probably the case even without the ice cream. This nifty tool makes it so you can't get to the ice cream without a code, but if you're determined you're just going to cut into it.
40. Long Distance Pillow
The digital world makes it easier for us to have functioning long-distance relationships, but even facetiming doesn't have the visceral quality of hugging someone. Sometimes you just need to know you can reach out and squeeze your loved one. What a cute sentiment, but who wants a light shining right on their face as they're trying to sleep? How annoying is that? Couldn't they just make the pillow get warmer or something? "Honey, can you wake up? You're keeping me up with this freaking light." Even worse if they toss and turn.
You'll know you have to be nervous when your pillow is strobing. That means your partner is getting pounded good. I guess they didn't think about the negative implications of this tool. It's a spy device. You'll know when your partner is cheating or being lazy.
41. Make Your Own Bike Lane
This product seems like it's a really smart idea, but you forget how awful human nature can be. Some drivers would see this as a clear sign of something to avoid. Other drivers would see that as a target. So many drivers hate cyclists, which is sometimes unfair. Other times I totally get it. Bicyclists definitely deserve to have the road along with drivers, but also stop taking up an entire lane going eleven miles per hour.
I'd rather just have a big LED sign that says, "please don't kill me. I don't want to die. I have children. Please." That might be just as effective. I don't know though. I stopped riding my bike after I crashed and broke my shoulder. Now my courage is gone. As my family and friends would say, "your courage was never there, Julio."
42. Wheelchair Car
This product reminds me of this song: They see me rollin, they hatin, patrolling they tryin to catch me ridin' dirty. In fact, that song should automatically play every time you roll into the car. This is pretty amazing on a technical and business level. I don't know how many people there are in wheelchairs, but it's probably enough for a sustainable business when you're the only person in the market. This makes getting into a car about thirty minutes faster. Just roll right in like some kind of mechanized badass.
Unfortunately the car itself isn't exactly a head turner. It's like a Smart car knock-off, and the Smart car already looks like the knock off of a toy car. It's nice to have such a small car, but I also like survival. I feel like one crash and a Smart car would fly across the road.
43. Butter Stick
If anyone has new ways to apply butter, I'm all ears. I remember when spray butter came out. I was spraying everything I could with butter. That was revolutionary. No knife needed. My grilled cheeses could be made in ten seconds flat. I could have been the best, but then I injured my pressing-finger. My career was all over after that. I lost my sponsors. I lost my girlfriend. I almost lost my life.
This stick butter reminds me of the glue sticks in elementary school. Except I wouldn't suggest rubbing those on your bread. They should make some paprika glitter. Then you could do a whole tasty art project. You wouldn't be able to keep it, but that's what's so good about food art. You get to eat it. That's what macaroni necklaces always got wrong.
44. Transparent Toaster
They say that you have to keep a little mystery in your relationship if you're going to make it work. Sometimes that means dressing up, role playing, or making love with the lights off. It keeps everyone guessing. I think that's also true for your toast. You want to keep a little mystery with your toasty bread. That's where the fun is. Will the toast burn? Will I let it out too early, or too late? It's a dance. It's crucial for your healthy relationship with toast.
This is very cool though. Perfect toast every time. I have no clue what it is that powers this device though. Does the glass toast it? I'm terrified of that for some reason. It's like when lasers get used in cooking. You can't trust lasers or hot glass.
45. Phone Pocket
If anything, I think we could use to be less connected. I'm a hypocrite saying that because I am on my phone all the time and can't help myself, but that's why I want rules imposed on myself. Left to my own devices I'd be on instagram looking at the same stuff over and over. The pocket was the last safe haven from being on your phone. If your phone was in your pocket, you were safe. Not anymore. This allows you to use your phone constantly, and look terrible while doing it.
Here's what this is also helpful for. If you're on a first date with a person and they have this on their leg, you can just leave. It's perfectly socially acceptable to just walk away without saying anything. Trust me. You won't regret doing it.
46. Candles and Forks
Here we go with the two for one special. Not only do you get the candles, you also get the forks. It seems smart until you realize that age makes this work or not. If it's a one-year-old's birthday, then you only have one fork. That sucks. If it's an eighty seven year-old's birthday, you're going to have eighty seven forks. That's way too many forks. No eighty seven year old has that many friends. They're all gone.
Something needs to be done about birthday candles though, so I'm glad this at least makes an attempt at making the situation better. Candles drip wax all over the cake. Who wants to eat wax? And they never light well. On top of that you have people blowing out the candles, thus blowing their germs all over the cake. Gross! SAD!
17. Apple Sweaters
Thank the lord for apple sweaters. You don't want your apple to catch a chill. That could be disastrous. An apple's cold lasts at least two weeks. They get all the symptoms. Runny core. Seed sneezes. Peeling skin. You'd think they already have enough vitamins to fight off a cold, but I guess not. Now I'm just grossed out by the idea of an apple with a runny core.
The only people who have something like this are rich people or people with a bored grandmother who can knit. Rich people love buying accessories for everything. They'll have five different water bottles. "This is my workout bottle. This is my running bottle. This is my home bottle. This is my work bottle. This is my bottle's bottle for when I need to put more water in my bottle."
18. Dustpan and Brush Slippers
Remember the baby scrubbing onesie from earlier? This is for the parent's who actually want their children to live past the age of two. No more excuses for lazy people with these. I would hate it if this were your only pair of shoes. They might work at New York fashion week, or the East Village, but they don't seem like a great hiking shoe, that's for sure.
I have a limited knowledge on cleaning and balance, but from what I do know, this seems like it would be rather difficult. Only professional dancers could pull off this dusting move. Something tells me the normal person will end up making more of a mess. These definitely came from the '50s when people were banging out a lot of ideas that weren't so good. A lot of gnarly inventions came from that time.
49. Hamster Cage Shredder
We both know I'm going to make a joke about putting the hamster in the shredder, so let's just get it over with. Actually, looks like I have nothing. Who would have thought? Anyway! Now mommy has a new place to look for daddy's shredded hotel receipts. Now that's dark. I knew I'd get dark somewhere, but I figured it would be through animal slaughter. Calm down, animal lovers. I'd never hurt an animal for real.
What sucks about this is that you still need a second shredder. If you have a heavy shredding day then you're going to suffocate the hamster. This thing only needs one or two pieces of paper. It's more of a novelty. Can you imagine if you were just pretending to hold the hamster over the shredder, but it wiggled out of your hand and fell in? Now there's what I wanted earlier.
50. Noodle Protection for Your Face
When you're eating ramen the way you really should eat ramen, you need something like this. The real way is to slurp it so fast and violently into your mouth that it's like you're on a water park ride filled with broth. It's odd, but that is the etiquette. It would be rude not to eat like that at a ramen restaurant. At an Italian restaurant they don't like that so much. Bunch of squares.
I still eat the cheap thirteen cent packets of ramen. All you have to do is add things to it. Dice up some onion, throw in an egg, toss in a hot dog. If you're crafty you can have some restaurant quality ramen at home in less than five minutes. Or just be lazy and eat it dry like I do most of the time.
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