The interesting thing about insurance is that the poor need it, but the poor can't afford it. The rich don't need it, but they can afford it. It doesn't make much sense, but it is going to explain why all these rich celebrities got all kinds of body parts like their hands and butts insured.
For real though, depending on what you do for a living, your body part may be your main means of making a living. That might not be the best plan for longevity sake, but if you got it, flaunt it. And if you're going to flaunt it, insure it. You don't want your body to be your worst investment.
Check out some of these surprising body parts that got insured. Sure, there might be some that you're not too surprised about, but I bet most of these will be a complete shock, like how one of these celebrities insured her legs for a WHOPPING 1 billion dollars! Now I bet you're wondering who... read on to find out.
1. Kim Kardashian (Buttocks) - $3 Million
If Kim Kardashian taught a business class I would be the first person to sign up. I don't care what college she teaches at. It could be Trump University for all I care. She's a money making machine. All because she knows what she's doing. You can criticize how she got her big start, but you can't deny that she's managed her fame incredibly well. The only thing I got out of my sex tape was a banned Youtube channel (the comments were hurtful but ultimately true).
I trust that Kim is smart enough to insure her butt, because that is one American treasure. It has taken many glorious shapes and sizes over the years, but no whatever what it's always A+. Even though Kim has transcended her booty, it's still important to take care of your assets. Pun intended.
2. Cristiano Ronaldo (Legs) - $144 Million
I'm not a big soccer or football fan (depending on where you live), but I can feel the energy emanating from the fans. I really love the fervor that comes from soccer season. It's intense, even if I don't get any of it. No name produces more energy than Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid. I'm pretty sure there are people who would take a bullet for him. He's Real Madrid's weapon of choice, so people are protective of him.
I can't even fathom how much an athlete like Cristiano Ronaldo makes, but I'm sure it's massive. All that cash for kicking balls. What a life. No wonder he'd want to make sure that he has a plan if someone ever took out his legs. I pray for the poor soul who injures Cristiano Ronaldo. The fans would tear him apart.
3. Angie Everhart (Legs) - $1 Million
I remember first seeing Angie Everhart in the Tales from the Crypt movie. She played a sexy vampire, and all I can remember thinking is, "I would totally let her kill me." Later there are parts where she turns into a disgusting looking vampire, but even then she still has the rocking body. A vampiress can get away with a bat-like face as long as they have the body to make up for it. It's not like you will live to tell your friends about it though.
Casting her as a seductress vampire was great casting seeing as though she was a top ten hottie at the time. People loved her for her fiery red hair and her long legs. There was a time when you couldn't find a single Top 100 Most Beautiful Women list without finding her on it.
4. David Beckham (Body) - $70 Million
David Beckham has somehow insured his entire body. I feel like that's cheating the system in some way. If there's one thing we're all going to have to let go of one day, it's our bodies. I didn't even know you could insure your entire body. I don't think I want to make that call to my insurance company. I'm a little scared of what they'd offer me. "I'd like to buy body insurance." / "Sir, we were sure you were already dead."
I do see the need to insure your body when you're a soccer player. If anything happens to any part of you, that could jeopardize things. Sometimes they won't even let you play if you have a hurt ear. That's ridiculous! There's another important reason to keep that body insured: Victoria Beckham. There are certain things one might want to do with their body when married to Victoria Beckham.
5. Gene Simmons (Tongue) - $1 Million
Gene Simmons signature tongue has been a staple of rock and roll music for a long time. Ever since KISS took the stage, the game has changed. Before Gene Simmons, no one thought you could stick your tongue out like that and still rock. He proved them all wrong. Not anyone could have done that either. He's got an unnaturally long tongue. That combined with the weird face makeup and you have a look that brands you for life.
Gene Simmons knows the power of his tongue. I'm sure some lucky ladies do too, and maybe even a few lucky ice cream cones, if you know what I mean. He uses that thing a lot. If you're going to be sticking that thing out all the time, you better have it insured. They don't make bullet proof vests for tongues.
6. Heidi Klum (Legs) - $2 Million
Heidi Klum constantly proves stereotypes about models wrong. She's smart, goofy, and not afraid to look weird. Just look at her Halloween costumes every year. They're famous for being incredibly ornate and well crafted. She's been creatures like weird looking bugs, or monsters. She's also turned a modeling career into an entertainment empire, but we can't forget it was those legs that got her in the door. She owes them something, which is why she loaded them up with insurance.
At this point as she hosts and produces shows, Heidi Klum could lose her legs and be fine. Not that I want that. I'm just saying that she's not reliant on them. Leg insurance was, however, important when she was solely modeling. You can't walk the runway without legs, after all. Actually, let's not say that. If you don't have legs and you want to model, go model.
7. Miley Cyrus (Tongue) - $1 Million
You can see Gene Simmons influence on the youth on full display whenever Miley Cyrus comes around. She's got his tongue gag down pat, except hers isn't quite as long as Gene Simmons'. Size isn't everything, because her tongue has made quite an impact despite being so small. There was a couple of months where you couldn't pass by a magazine stand without seeing Miley sticking her tongue out.
I think it's safe to say that we all wish we could insure our tongues. Does that mean I'd get a payout every time I burnt my tongue on hot soup? I think I might rather go with roof of mouth insurance. I can't eat a pizza without destroying the roof of my mouth. I could just wait until the pizza cools down, but I'd rather just insure it and do as I please.
8. Kylie Minogue (Buttocks) - $5 Million
Kylie Minogue is a much bigger star than anyone in America might realize. She's had her success in the states for sure, but nothing like overseas. Over in Australia she's like their Madonna. Isn't that cool? It's like they get two Madonnas overseas. I have a soft spot in my heart specifically for Kylie MInogue because she was in my favorite movie of all time, Street Fighter.
I know that a lot of people hate that movie, but nothing can change my mind on it. It may not be a faithful representation of the video game, but who cares? It's got Jean Claude Van Damme and Raul Julia. What more could you ask for? OH, yeah. Kylie Minogue in a leotard. If you don't know why she would insure her butt, go watch that movie. You'll see quickly.
9. Holly Madison (Chest) - $1 Million
Holly Madison is a Playboy bunny who lived with Hugh Hefner. I'm pretty sure that insuring your breasts was a requirement of some sort. It was probably part of the requirements.
Boobs are a weird thing to insure. Hear me out, I love boobs as much as the next guy or hungry baby. I really do. The thing is that I'm not sure that those are even real boobs to begin with.Are you telling me those are natural? You're insuring fake boobs. You can always just get a new pair anyway. The thing about breasts is that there's always the option for implants. Then again, I guess people with fake legs insure their fake leg. It's still their leg. I'm sure these are the types of situations that don't make it easy to be an insurance agent for body parts.
10. Rihanna (Legs) - $1 Million
Rihanna is a Goddess on Earth. We should all be pitching in to make sure her body is insured. I'm surprised all her fans didn't do a class action lawsuit against Chris Brown for hurting her. The thing that most surprised me about Chris Brown hitting Rihanna is that he somehow made it out of that alive. Rihanna doesn't seem like the type to put up with jack. One roundhouse kick from those legs and you'd be decapitated. Not a terrible way to go. Not the best way, but not a terrible way.
The Venus Breeze razor company gave her an award for "celeb goddess legs" which prompted her to insure them. Not a bad idea. The only irony would be if she cut her legs shaving with a Venus Breeze Razor. I'd tell you that's impossible to do, but they aren't sponsoring this post so you can forget it.
11. Julia Roberts (Mouth) - $30 Million
I'm not sure on the details of insuring a smile. Are you only insuring the smile, not your whole mouth in general? Let's say your mouth is damaged while you were frowning. Would the insurance cover that or does it only cover smiling related injuries? You'd have to be worried about breaking bad news to Julia Roberts too. You don't want to be liable for damages when her smile turns into a frown.
I bring up these questions because it seems ridiculous to me. Her smile is reportedly insured for $30 million. It feels like some of these people have so much money that they are just finding ways to spend it. It's a ridiculous expenditure. I think that, then I see Julia Roberts smile and I forget about all my woes. She may have a point.
12. Madonna (Chest) - $2 Million
Before we talk about Madonna's body, can we talk about her stand up? You're probably thinking that Madonna doesn't do stand up comedy. Google it and you won't be disappointed. Or maybe you will be? Just don't expect it to be traditionally "good."
When I think of Madonna's boobs I think of the big, sharp cones. You know the outfit I'm talking about. It's like she has two party hats covering her ta-tas. I'm sure that there are people who have enjoyed what's under those pointy cones, but I am not one of them. She should insure that gap in her teeth. Seriously that gap is more recognizable than her boobs. Think about how much more useful that would be to insure. She must go in for teeth cleaning or dental work. That's dangerous business.
13. Daniel Craig (Entire Body) - $9.5 Million
Once Daniel Craig took over the James Bond role his life was changed forever. I don't mean all the time on set, playing the same character for years, and all the promotion. I'm talking about the fact that he had to get ripped. Let's not play like Daniel Craig wasn't already a beef cake, but to be 007 you have to be a different kind of ripped. You don't want all that work to go to waste, so of course he would insure his marble-like body.
I"m just waiting for the day when I get a call like that that'll change my life. I'm the type of person who needs a ten movie deal to get into shape. Hopefully that doesn't backfire on me. They could cast me as The Blob and want me to go method.
14. Taylor Swift (Legs) - $40 Million
Taylor Swift has some long giraffe legs on her. She's 5'10" but five feet of that is all legs. On safari you see the gazelles watching her to see if they can get any pointers on a faster stride when outrunning lions. They deserve to be insured just out of their own freakish nature. When she dies we'll have to crush her bones so archaeologists don't find them centuries later and think she's some sort of mutation.
When Taylor Swift has a break up, she usually responds with a song meant to hurt that person. Recently she released a cover of the classic Earth Wind & Fire song "September," which makes me wonder if she just had a bad breakup with all of black Twitter. They came for her hard on that one. She may want to insure her songs after the roasting she got on that one.
15. Tom Jones (Chest) - $7 Million
Back in the day it was all about Tom Jones hairy chest. That was back before we got in our current hairless trend. I get it. I don't like coughing up a chest hair either, but I long for the old days when hair was king. The thing about shaving completely is that all you have to do is miss one hair and you've ruined the whole thing. That's way too much time for me to be spending with a sharp razor against my body.
Something tells me Tom Jones stock has gone down a little bit since then, because I don't think many people are going gaga over his chest these days. No offense, but at 77 years old, his chest is most likely not his best quality anymore. Remember that right now if you're young and everything sucks except your body. One day all you'll have is that charming wit.
16. Tina Turner (Legs) - $3.2 Million
Tina Turner is the ultimate performer. Just take a look at any of her live performances and you'll see. No one can command a stage like her, especially with her signature strut. That strut she does across the stage is somehow feminine, masculine, and magical all at the same time. That's also how I'd describe my first time. Feminine, masculine, and magical all at the same time. Have I told you too much about myself?
Anyone who grew up with Tina Turner will be the first to tell you that she was all legs. I even have distinct memories of watching her performances on TV as a kid and thinking, "wow. Look at the gams on her." I don't know why I talked like a 1930s detective when I was a kid, but I do remember thinking that.
17. Dolly Parton (Chest) - $600,000
Dolly Parton has cartoonishly large boobs. I remember learning that early on as a child watching cartoons. Sometimes a show would have her on as a character and it looked like she was holding two wrecking balls. Turns out that's not too far from the truth judging by any picture you can find of her. On top of that she's a savvy businesswoman and a philanthropist. No wonder so many people adore her. She hits all the bases for men, women, and children.
I think she's teaching a lot of young women with big boobs that they can do so much more with their lives than just have big boobs. That's not what defines you. What defines you is WHAT you do with those big boobs. Am I right? Who's with me?... OK so maybe that's not the most inspirational speech.
18. Michael Flatley (Legs) - $40 Million
Every once in a while the world needs a really strange thing to go wild over. There are always the typical things that the whole world would be expected to love, like "Gangnam Style" or avocados, but to balance that out we find something truly weird. That's what Lord of the Dance was in the 1990s. Somehow Michael Flatley and his merry band of Irish dancers became as big as the Backstreet Boys. It's as unexplainable as the Blue Man Group.
Michael Flatley's legs are his bread and butter. He flings those things around with reckless abandon to put food on the table for his children. I wonder if he stays up at night wondering, "who am I without my legs? Am I even Michael Flatley anymore? If I can't dance, can I truly live?" Then he farts under the sheets.
19. America Ferrera (Mouth) - $10 Million
Don't get me wrong, America Ferrera has a lovely smile, but the first thing that comes to mind when I think of her isn't her smile. Something tells me she would still have a career even if someone kicked her teeth in. Heck, the role that launched her career was a character who wore braces. If anything the world isn't even familiar with her teeth. Still, that's a baller move to insure your mouth. If I ever win the lottery I'm going to insure a couple of random body parts just to show everyone that I can.
Now that I think of it, it makes sense that she'd insure her mouth if she plays a character with braces. She spent a lot of time putting those fake braces on and off. If anything went wrong she'd be out of work.
20. Keith Richards (Hands) - $1.6 Million
I'm sure this is something that Keith Richards once said: "Nothing terrifies me more than losing my hands. I wouldn't be able to do what I love anymore. Drugs." Of course, the joke there being that he should be more terrified that he wouldn't be able to play guitar anymore, not that he wouldn't be able to do drugs. It's at least five times funnier when I say it in his accent.
Keith Richards probably gets paid a hundred thousand dollars just for strumming the guitar once. I play a whole song and people pay me to leave. That's not money you want to lose out on if some rude dude comes by and chops your hands off. Great business decision for Keith. Someone else can put the joint to his lips with a couple of million in his bank account.
21. Oliver Lewis (Fingers) - $1 Million
Violin is a lot like guitar, but except it's for wimps. I'm just kidding, of course, but also I'm not. The violin is very cool in its own right, but out of all the stringed instruments it's not the most rad. Why am I even comparing them, you ask? Because I'm a jerk. Do I even play guitar, you ask? I can play a little bit of "Smoke on the Water" does that count?
Why am I even talking about violins, you ask? Because Oliver Lewis is a violinist who insured his fingers. I've seen people play guitar and bass with their toes, but never a violin. I think that's close to impossible. What I'm trying to say is Oliver Lewis made the right choice by insuring his fingers because he has no back up plan.
22. Jamie Lee Curtis (Legs) - $2.8 Million
A lot of the younger generation probably only know Jamie Lee Curtis for her more recent roles as an older, demure actress. You don't know how bad this woman was back in the day. She was the original scream queen. In the movie Halloween she pretty much helped create the modern day archetype for a woman who gets attacked by a masked killer. Then she just kept acting and getting sexier and sexier until her legs were so long you could plant Strawberries on them (I don't even know what that means).
Check out Jamie Lee Curtis in 'True Lies' with Arnold Schwarzenegger to see her use those legs in a sexy strip tease. I'm serious. She strips for Arnold, and who wouldn't want to see a sexy woman dance AND Arnold on the screen at the same time?
23. Celine Dion (Voice) - $1 Million
Celine Dion has had a long career, but she really came on the map for me with her song from the movie 'Titanic.' That was everybody's jam for a while. I even remember my friend (we were ten at the time) getting the 'Titanic' soundtrack for his birthday. That made it official. Celine Dion was unstoppable. Ten year old boys wanted to listen to her. FOR THEIR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
I really hope this covers both her singing voice and her speaking voice. Her French Canadian accent is too perfect. I could handle never hearing her sing again, but I don't think I could handle never hearing her talk again. I know I sound passionate about it, but it's one of my biggest interests: Writing, amphibians, and Celine Dion's speaking voice. Not necessarily in that order.
24. Brooke Shields (Legs) - $1 Million
Brooke Shields has gone on record to say that she insured her legs but won't disclose how much. Maybe they're only insured for $10. Who knows? That's what I'd like to do. I want to insure my face for $10 just so I can tell everyone about it, but I'll leave out the small amount. That'll make me an interesting person, instead of actually having to develop a personality.
It's kind of bizarre thinking of Brooke Shields as the huge sex symbol that she is considering she got her start and blew up as a child model and actress. By the time I knew about her she was of age, but what about the generation that watched her grow up. Did they just wait until she was 18 and then slap a "sex symbol" stamp on her? It's a little disconcerting to think about.
25. Rachel Hunter (Legs) - $1 Million
Rachel Hunter was a lingerie model in the 1990s and also married to Rod Stewart. I didn't know that either, so don't worry. Now keep it in your back pocket for future trivia nights. She insured her legs because, of course, she needed them for the runway. I personally don't think lingerie should be modeled on a runway. You don't wear lingerie on long walks. You wear lingerie in the bedroom.
Lingerie models should have to model their outfits while laying down on a bed. That's a way more accurate way to judge the garments. A couple guys can cart the beds down the runway while the models writhe around on the sheets. Not only does this sound like a great idea. It sound revolutionary as well. You read it here first. When you see Victoria's Secret bed models you can thank me.
26. Bette Davis (Waist) - $140,000
Corsets are responsible for Bette Davis' incredibly tiny waist. Ladies of the world, do not think that the human body naturally forms like this. Believe it or not, the intestines like to stretch out a bit. Whether by natural design or by the power of corset, Bette Davis' tiny waist was part of her appeal. At the time she insured it for $140,000 which by today's standards is in the twenty million dollar range.
Let me tell you a little story. My friend told me she bought a corset for five hundred dollars. I told her, "what a waist!" Now that's a solid joke. Here's another. She didn't try it on for me but i asked her if it fit. She said, "Of corset did." I'm unstoppable. Unrelated, they say that making excessive puns is a sign of frontal lobe brain damage.
27. Troy Polamalu (Hair) - $1 Million
It's not often you hear about a football player being the spokesperson for a beauty brand. Those worlds don't necessarily mesh well, but if you think about it, men need shampoo too. As much as we may want to be with Brooke Shields, we don't want to look like her. Men want to look like someone tough. That's how famous football player Troy Polamalu became a spokesperson for Head and Shoulders.
Troy Polamalu has long locks of hair, which isn't exactly the best hairstyle or shoving your head into a helmet, but it works out for endorsement deals. Head and Shoulders is a pretty manly shampoo too considering that many men suffer from dandruff. For women, they're aiming for luscious, soft hair. For men, we are lucky if our hair doesn't smell like an oxe.
28. Rod Stewart (Voice) - $6 Million
I appreciate any singer who has a unique voice. That's one reason why I don't like opera. Every Opera singer sounds the same to me since each actor has to fit into a specific role. I want that rough Kanye West style of singing over polished perfection that I've heard hundreds of times before. Anything gravelly is especially preferred. Rod Stewart is the king of gravelly voices.
When you have that unique of a voice, you have to protect it. Rod Stewart put a two million dollar insurance policy on his voice in case that rasp ever runs out. Being known as a playboy, he's more likely to lose his voice from getting a throat STD than anything else. I wonder if he got that covered under his policy or if he was uncoverable for that.
29. Merv Hughes (Mustache) - $370,000
Merv Hughes was an Australian cricket pitcher who could throw a hell of a fast ball, and he also had a hell of a mustache. He knew how to brand himself, which is pretty outstanding considering I don't know how many other people in the cricket world are worrying about that part of their career. That's the thing about sports. You can suck, but if you have a cool thing about you then the fans will still show up.
I find the concept of insuring your mustache to be a little tenuous. Hair seems so much less permanent than something like your legs. Take for example the fact that hair just falls out. Legs do not. Your whole mustache could be ruined with one stray shaving accident or a quick burst of flames in your face.
30. Bruce Springsteen (Voice) - $6 Million
I love Bruce Springsteen. He oozes cool, which sounds a lot like someone I know (I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about my friend Jeff). Recently I was talking with my girlfriend about Bruce Springsteen, which ended poorly. She's from the UK so she's not completely aware of Americana like Bruce Springsteen. I told her that his nickname is The Boss and she asked, "why is he called The Boss?" I immediately screamed in her face, "BECAUSE HE'S THE BOSS!" We haven't spoken since.
There's a Bruce Springsteen song for everybody. Even if you don't think you're a big fan, trust me, you are. If you've ever put on a classic rock radio station then you know Bruce Springsteen. You might just not know it. Load up your Spotify, Apple music, or whatever you're using for music these days and go through his catalog.
31. David Lee Roth (Genitals) - $1 Million
If you're talking about David Lee Roth with me then there's one thing you need to know first. I own a signed copy of his first solo album, which has my favorite song ever "Just a Gigolo." He's the man, and what I aspire to be. I can't imagine how awesome the back stage of Van Halen concerts must have been. So much Jack Daniels and women everywhere. They had to stay loaded up on antibiotics with all the women they were getting with.
David Lee Roth must have some serious junk in the front if he insured his genitals. There's got to be some fine print that says he has to wear a condom or the whole insurance policy is null and void. Who was the insurance agent who had to inspect it? That's what I want to know.
32. Adam Lambert (Voice) - $48 Million
Adam Lambert came into our homes as an American Idol contestant and then just never left. America immediately opened up their arms for him for his outspoken attitude and great singing voice. The outspoken attitude doesn't pay the bills though. The voice does. He's kept his voice protected with an insurance policy, which is a great idea. Let's say he loses his voice and is forced to go into construction. There's no American Constructor show to launch him to the top.
Wouldn't that be cool if there was a version of American Idol for every profession? You could do American Accountant if you were good with numbers to land a top job as Donald Trump's accountant or something like that. Or American Mortician. Let's be honest, most of them wouldn't be televised, but it would still be cool.
33. Gennaro Pelliccia (Tongue) - $14 Million
I can't tell which is more popular, coffee or alcohol. I drink both in the morning, so it's a little hard to tell. The rest of the day usually becomes a blur, so who really knows. Coffee is the drink of choice for many. Look at the Starbucks lines in the morning. People love coffee so much they can't even stand to brew it themselves. They want to wait in line for it.
The coffee taster for Costa Coffee, Gennaro Pelliccia, insured his tongue for ten million dollars. I really hope they weren't planning on firing him the next day. They heard he got his tongue insured for that much and went back on their decision. "So what did you guys want to talk to me about?" / "Oh.. nothing.." / "Great. That would make for a hilarious movie. Straight to Netflix.
34. Cyd Charisse (Legs) - $5 Million
'Singing in the Rain' is one of those movies that's like a human test. If someone doesn't like that movie, then there's a good chance they are some sort of alien or robot. They could even be an alien-robot, or a robot-alien, which are two very different things. What I'm trying to say is that 'Singing in the Rain' is a cute, classic movie that everyone should love. Cyd Charisse is one of the stars of the film, and has a long list of singing, dancing, and acting credits.
Everybody loves a great pair of legs. Legs are important for an actress, especially if one of your skills is dancing. Brooke Shields insured her legs and she doesn't even dance. Actresses just need legs that look good, but a dancers' actually have to work. What a burden.
35. Jimmy Durante (Nose) - $50,000
Jimmy Durante was a huge deal in the 1920s. He was kind of like the Seth Rogan of that time, except he smoked a lot less weed. His biggest quality other than his distinct voice was his big nose. He wasn't shy of it either. I think many people would want to hide it or chop it off, but Jimmy Durante knew it would be his ticket to stardom. No one even needed to remember his name. You could have just said, "I love that guy with the big nose." Everyone would know you're talking about Jimmy Durante.
I think people forget that you can make good money off of your physical deformities. Pretty people will always be popular, and there will always be a lot of them on TV, movies, and all that. Because of that the world craves a little weird every once in a while.
36. Ben Turpin (Eyes) - $25,000
Ben Turpin was a comedic actor back in the days of silent film. That's back when all you had to do to be successful in comedy was look weird. That's exactly the case with Ben Turpin who had crossed eyes. Everyone loves crossed eyes. Babies laugh at crossed eyes, and if babies think it's funny, then you better believe it's funny. That's the golden rule of comedy. Ben Turpin knew his key to success was his eyes, so he had an insurance policy put out in case his eyes ever uncrossed.
Some people with crossed eyes pray that their eyes will uncross one day. This guy was praying they'd stay that way. There's a lot of comedic irony in that. There's a tax accountant out there with crossed eyes who just wants to live a normal life.
37. Egon Ronay (Tongue) - $400,000
Egon Ronay was a famous food critic, and as you can guess, you can't be a food critic without being able to taste. Nothing ruins your credibility as a food critic faster than that. Smart move on his part to make sure he got a nice payout if his taste buds ever failed him. It would be interesting if he kept trying to be food critic after losing his taste buds. His reviews would be texture based.
I can't imagine a world where I couldn't taste anything. I love food so much that I don't think I'd know what to do with myself if I couldn't taste it. Then again, maybe I'd save a little bit of money. I'm sure people without taste buds rarely go out to eat, unlike me who will go out to eat twice in one night.
38. James Dean (Life insurance) - $100,000
James Dean is such an icon that people forget that he wasn't a star for that long before he passed away. They say the brightest stars burn out the fastest, and his star was certainly bright. He was the bad boy heart throb that America needed. Now the closest thing we have to James Dean is James Franco. It doesn't feel like an even trade, does it?
I think James Dean knew something that we all didn't, because he took out a life insurance policy, and then some time later he crashed his Porsche and died. It's a chicken or the egg type of situation. Did he get the life insurance because he drove recklessly, or did he drive recklessly because he got the health insurance? There's only one way to know. We go to Heaven and ask him ourselves!
39. Shirley MacLaine (Alien Abduction) - $25 Million
This one is a little different because Shirley MacLaine didn't insure a specific body part, but in a way she insured her entire body. She insured herself against alien abduction. What is it about money and fame that drives people into madness? You have some success and all of a sudden you think even the aliens are out to get you. Is alien abduction that bad? Let's weigh the probes and cons. Now that's a zinger!
I am actually terrified of alien abductions. I know I could take a little grey alien one on one, but I don't see it being a fair fight. Twenty of them will surround me, shoot me with paralysis lasers, and then have their way with me. We all know it's true. I'm too attractive for the aliens to resist.
40. Betty Grable (Legs) - $1 Million
Betty Grable was an actress and pin-up girl, back when that was a thing. Her and her luscious legs invaded movie screens during her heyday which spanned many decades. She was in 42 movies between the 1930s and 1940s. That's almost as many movies as Dwayne The Rock Johnson has been in all of 2018. Seriously, that guy is in A LOT of movies. The key to being a good pin-up girl/actress is a good set of legs. Betty Grable had them and protected them well with a nice insurance policy.
Nowadays we don't talk about pin-up models outside of locker rooms. That would be great if pin-up models became household names again. And no, I'm not just saying that because my dream has always been to be a pin-up model. I'm just saying it would be cool...
41. Charlie Chaplin (Feet) - $175,000
Charlie Chaplin is truly something very special. Anyone who can have a mustache so similar to Adolf Hitler yet still get away with it is a special person indeed. Most of the comedians you know today are just using movs they learned from Charlie Chaplin, or from someone who was using moves they learned from Charlie Chaplin. He was a king of comedy in the early part of the 1900s, but he wouldn't do well in 2018... because he's dead.
Charlie Chaplin was a master of movies with sound and a master of silent films. His specialty was physical comedy, so no doubt he needed his feet to make the bits work. He put out a nice insure policy so that if he laughter ever stopped, he'd still be OK.
42. Jennifer Love Hewitt (Chest) - $5 Million
Let me tell you a little bit about Jennifer Love Hewitt and myself. When I was 13 I had a big Jennifer Love Hewitt poster next to my bed. A week later it had to be thrown away. I don't want to talk about the circumstances that led to that decision. Let's just drop it. Needless to say, she's a total babe and an amazing actress. That's the kind of combo that keeps an actress working for years. Men come for the boobs, and stay for the award-winning acting talent.
Let's hope nothing ever happens to JLH and her gorgeous rack. I'll make sure to bring it up to my pastor so that my church can pray on it this Sunday. He usually denies my requests, because they are usually about someone's boobs, but I hope he agrees to this one.
43. Keiran Lee (Genitals) - $1 Million
This is the first adult film star we have had on the list, unless you count nude modeling. Some of the people on this list have definitely done some nude modeling. Who hasn't done nude modeling at some point in their lives though, am I right? Let's just say if you ever find a box of polaroids in my room, do not look at them. Those are for me! Not you!
There's only one part of the body that a male pornstar needs to protect, so of course the prudent performer would insure their junk. Something tells me once you're career as a pornstar is over it's not exactly easy to shift into a new industry. That's a big hole to leave in your resume, and if you do include it the experience doesn't fit most jobs.
44. Nicki Minaj (Buttocks) - $27 Million
I'm sure that Nicki Minaj is in quite a few people's top five rappers lists. Not me, though. Not that I think she's bad. I love me some Nicki, but my top five is: Andre 3000, Method Man, Joe Budden, Royce da 5'9", and Eminem. You can @ me on those picks if you want, but you can't tell me I'm wrong. Nicki Minaj is most definitely in a lot of people's top five booties though, including mine. She's got a butt so big that she could write twenty rap songs about it.
Some people will only mess around with big butts. Not me. I like all butts. Big, small, concave, convex. I have no preference. There's something special about all of them. Like butterflies, each one has its own unique beauty that I want to explore.
45. Jeff Beck (Fingers) - $10 Million
Jeff Beck is one third of the band the The Yardbirds. If you don't know The Yardbirds then that won't mean anything to you, but let me tell you this: The other two Yardbirds are Eric Clapton and Jimmy Paige. If that still means nothing to you then I don't know what to tell you. You're hopeless. Those are three of the greatest guitarists of our time. Those guys wouldn't be in a band with just anyone. Only the best.
Jeff Beck's fingers are insured so that he can keep plucking away with the best of them. Thankfully his fingers having been going strong for a long time. He's provided guitar for dozens of popular albums including Kate Bush, Stevie Wonder, Tina Turner, and Rod Stewart. Two of those people are on this list! It's kismet.
46. Suzana Alves (Buttocks) - $2 Million
Brazil has some of the most beautiful women to ever walk the Earth. Don't believe me? Good. More Brazilian hotties for me. I act as if a hot Brazilian woman would even give me the time of day. I'd be lucky if one even robbed me. I'm pretty sure if a pretty girl robbed me I'd brag about it the same way I would brag about sleeping with her. "You should have seen this beautiful chick. She robbed me. ME. Out Of all people. Can you believe that?"
In the world of Brazilian hotties, Suzana Alves name has to come up. Suzana Alves wasn't just any Brazilian hottie though. She was practically THE Brazilian hottie. Her issue of Brazilian Playboy is the highest selling issue in history. That issue came out in 1978 and it still holds that record.
47. Matt Harvey (Right Arm) - $5 Million
I like to think that if I ever played baseball I'd be the pitcher. I think that because I want to envision myself as the hero in every situation. I'd be striking everyone out left and right. Too bad that's just a fantasy. In reality I have such bad shoulders that I have a hard time getting up off the ground. They click when I swing my arms around. Please send me money so I can fix this. How do I intend to fix it? Robot arms, of course.
Matt Harvey is a pitcher for The Mets, and I bet his human arms are as strong as robot arms. That's why he gets paid the big bucks. I bet his shoulders don't click either. So you're telling me that this guy has great shoulders and gets paid millions of dollars? Some guys have it all.
48. Jennifer Lopez (Buttocks) - $300 Million
I'm going to try something here. I don't know if it'll work given you can't hear me sing it, but here goes: Don't be confused by the butt that I got / I'm still-I'm still Jenny from the block / Used to have a little heiny / now I have a lot / No matter where I go I have a meaty tailbone. FIN. How was that? Sorry, but I can't help it. J. Lo has the type of booty that poets wrote sonnets for back in the years of old.
Jennifer Lopez is a triple-tier performer. She can dance, sing, and act, but as an added bonus she has the booty that destroys all other booties. There are some J. Lo fans who have probably never seen a single piece of art she's created, but they know the booty. That's worth the insurance.
49. Mariah Carey (Legs) - $1 Billion
There will be people decades from now who will say, "I wish I could have lived in the time of Mariah Carey." The same way we might wish we were alive in the days of a great performer like John Wilkes Booth. WE are living that right now. Aren't we so lucky? OK, so maybe we're some years after Mariah Carey's apogee (that's OK. You can look it up), but this is still Mariah's world as far as I'm concerned.
Mariah Carey's legs are legendary. Back in the day you wouldn't find one Jack who wouldn't climb those beanstocks. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?! When you book Mariah, you are expecting the legs, so smart move on her part to insure those stems for *puts pinky finger to mouth like Dr. Evil* one million dollars. Remember that? *giggles nervously*
50. John Schnatter (Hands) - $15.3 Million
John Schnatter isn't necessarily a household name, but he's been in the limelight recently over his outspokenness on the NFL kneeling controversy. He's the CEO of Papa Jons pizza, America's favorite pizza place if it's your only option. Seriously, what is Papa Jons deal? The only reason anyone orders from Papa Jons is because they have those cups of garlic sauce. If they start selling that garlic sauce at the store it's game over for Papa.
For whatever reason, John Schnatter insured his hands. I understand everyone else's reasons for insuring their body parts, but not this guy. It's not like he's the one spinning the dough. That would be one thing. What's this guy hiding about his hands? Now I want to find him and break a knuckle just to see what the big deal is.
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